Well I've been getting a little bit of action in my dreams lately, which starkly contrasts my waking life. Twice in the last week. Not as good as waking life action but still quite lovely.
And an ex-lover popped into my dreams as well. Twice in the last week also. She is not the source of the action, at least not the character I was getting sexy with. I DO think she is popping into my dreams intentionally, checking in on me. She did look really good. The reason I'm not with her is she's past baby-making time, and I still might want to make one. Otherwise she's really awesome on all accounts.
And then there is this issue in my dream last night of not being able to talk. I have all these awkward moments with all sorts of people whereby I want to talk with them and end up wasting their time and barely rasping out a minimal phrase that hardly fits what I wanted to say. I get passed off as a drunk or an imbecile. Which sucks because I have all these lovely things to say to people and all these observations and insights and I like all these people... some were family, some were potential lovers, some just nice people, like cool dudes that warrant a good chin-wag.
In this particular dream last night I was at my Aunti Sandy's house, but I had all sorts of friends there, and friends of friends, like a really nice relaxing party, but I kept feeling horrible for taking over my Aunti's house. My Mother and multiple other Aunti's were there too. They were all being so accommodating. I was having a full-blown multi-day party with lots of lovely people for god sakes!! And I couldn't explain myself at all because of course I was not really able to speak. My Mom and the troupe of Aunties were all going out for a walk at one point, probably due to the music and rowdiness in the house and yard, and I confronted them happily but couldn't get a word out. They seemed to me to be thinking: "How does he have all these people around if he's so drunk he can't even speak?"
Now in waking life I have a stutter, so the feeling of "wasting people's time" and being labeled an idiot is not foreign to me. In fact I once got kicked out of a bar 30 seconds after walking in because I sounded too drunk when trying to order my first beer. I was entirely sober. But being a grown man now I have quite a handle on the whole thing. I still stutter sometimes, and it can still be awkward, but its nothing like when I was a kid. I got teased a lot, but I was also a pretty awesome kid so all my friends would stand up for me when they could. It seems that when I'm feeling self-actualized, confident and meditative I can talk anyway I like. So I still stutter, because often I feel small, but I can snap out of it.
Well thats about it I can remember from dreaming at the moment: the ex-lover visiting or checking in on me; the sexytime; and the stutter-type revisitation of old wounds. The strain of not being able to connect to people and wanting so badly to do so.
I think I might make a journal entry because I feel like writing more... feel free to have a boo