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Good Day - 05/19/13 (Second Journal Entry)

I feel I owe it to clear the air somewhat for my readers concerning my last journal post, where I kind of WENT OFF about this and that. Cause those of you who are interested will be happy to know that I actually have some positivity to report on. --Again, I don't know how many people make posts like these and I know it's somewhat off topic to the site, but I figure what's good in my personal life will affect my dreaming. So I will try not to make a habit of this and only post these entries whenever I feel is necessary.

Ok so, almost as if in DIRECT response to my 'last' journal posting (which may have seemed more like a cry for help?) the most funny thing happened to me in my daily regiment. So the day went like this - I got up, did my usual thing, hadn't gotten much sleep that previous night (but I wouldn't really realize how much this might be adversely affecting me until later?) It was sunny out though, a nice break from all the May gloomy weather. -The house appeared to still be somewhat 'hostile' so I took my cue to take off.

I started out on my walk. Airheaded as I am I chose the brilliant idea to wear mostly dark colors on a day that was exceptionally sunny so I was sweating like crazy by the time I reached the park. I tried to remain optimistic, I waved and said hello while making eye contact to everyone I passed on my walk. Everything was going fine but uneventful until I reached the fork down by the bend where you can either take the short cut and cross back into town, which is the route I take whenever I'm in a hurry, or notice people on the tracks and just wanna avoid social contact.

Or you can continue walking on ahead toward the curve by the cement mixing yard. On the other side is the camp ground where all the hippies group every year all throughout the summer. Guess which route I took? --So I continued on ahead and when I got to the hill where the picnic table rests and there's a bit of an inclimb with a slight downhill walk right after (I mention this cause it makes it kind of tricky to see what's up ahead of you when you walk this way) I come over the hill and notice a group of young people just sitting there in the middle of the tracks.

I could turn back, which is rude, "maybe if I just 'hug' the side I can squeEEeze past?" However on the tip of my mind my natural instinct at this moment is "this is my chance, go fot it!!!" So I hug the side, I wave and make eye contact and say hello as I walk by, and normally I would be on my merry way. Except this time one of them starts asking me questions, like my name and where I'm from. When I said I'm from in town they ask me to sit down and join them.

I'm so stiff and awkward when I do this but something compels me to make and effort cause this seems like a golden opportunity. I sit cross legged on the dirt hoping my legs won't fall asleep or I won't need to run to the bathroom (you'll see why this is a concern in a minute.) They're all staring at me and being friendly and I try my absolute best at socializing and acting like someone my own age when it's really embarrassing, it's like I have to RE-learn this stuff all over again. Sitting in front of a computer for the past decade has atrophied public communication skills somewhat, I heard Coast to Coast discuss this phenomena on one of their shows concerning the downsides of the technological age.

My biggest problem is I know how to talk, but not how to sound interested? They didn't seem to mind though, they were high on acid, smoking and drinking and giggling, ect. Something tells me they wouldn't have been interested to talk about themselves if asked anyway. As it is I've made new friends with some of - by the way, I call the campers 'hippies' as I mentioned in the above cause most if not nearly all of them are from out of town and trek all the way here to Keremeos only during the summer then leave, so the word I use is not as a label or judgment but simply a means of description. I rarely make friends with any of these people or even talk to them. And in my experience most of them are rather anti-social as it is if they're not trippin' on shrooms or something, forcing you to make the first move when approaching them. But I look forward to it every year cause their presence seems to keep the rednecks away, and there's not as many rowdy kids running around in 'that' part of town. Two demographics which I tend to avoid for it makes me highly stressful...

Anyways, long story short I meant to say in the first place I made some new friends today - yay me! And I don't have a clue what any of their names are??? As I said, they didn't seem interested in talking about themselves and the only I managed to get a name out of is one of the girls I was talking to most of the time I was there who said her name was Sara - and it really seemed weird cause I really had to PRY it out of her cause she got this 'look' on her face and I could tell by her body language that she seemed 'quite uncomfortable' giving her name out to me. I'm not sure if I had crossed a line but I only asked cause I was about to leave and it dawned on me I didn't have any of their names and I have this thing about me, as part of my handicap in social situations, where I more often than not hold conversations in my head when I'm alone, thinking to myself "yeah, I could say this, and they'll say that, and then I'll say this and it'll get a bunch of laughs!" But when I actually meet people in person I freeze up and it's like my mind goes blank. My intelligence is gone too, I don't know how to react to certain things. One of them might set me up from a rhetorical joke and I might say "oh - I see..." (*uncomfortable silence*) Y'all get the picture, any of my readers out there have this same problem? -Anyway, I only made the effort to ask as a last second thought cause I feel so close to this girl now and suddenly my mind flashes to "uh oh, episode of Seinfeld, Jerry's dating a girl who's name he doesn't know other than it rhymes with a part of the female anatomy?"

Anyway, I consider myself 'lucky' if they even remember me. They were high and seemed unable to sit still but utterly FASCINATED by my stories of my cats. It's messed up, if they had asked me anything about philosophy or personal experiences or beliefs I might have had a few things to talk about. But don't y'all notice how people have a tendency to ask you very 'basic' questions and THESE are the ones that seem to trip you up? -Anyway, I did the best I could to sound interesting. Even revealing a few tid bits I wouldn't think I was going to share and even while I was doing it my mind kept thinking "what am I saying, shut up - you probably sound like a freak to her?" But Sara just had(has) a way a drawing these things out of me. She directed most of the inquiry as she was the one to first talk to me, I think. She kept telling me she had a funny feeling we were meant to bump into each other today cause like I had this 'aura' about me and our energies were sorta 'synching' up together or something like that. GOD I was so stiff, I'm not very active in my daily life so where as most young people got limbs of jelly, I got limbs of brick or something. I was so afraid to move around or point or do anything other than talk cause I was afraid of offending anyone or blowing this opportunity or something like that.

But they made me feel very welcome and as it is a week or two later - I haven't been able to get out there much cause we've been experiencing some rather freak weather patterns with torrential downpours and cloudiness and such. It's reverted back to winter out there or something. But these past few days I've been making an effort to walk by there at least once a day - in hopes of bumping in to everyone again. Even though part of me just wants to curl up into a ball and hide. But the bigger part of me strides to make the effort, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. Although it's worth noting since it was my whole point of even posting this here in the first place that that whole experience two weeks ago had the exact OPPOSITE effect on me. That's actually the BEST I've ever felt in almost a 'decade and a half'!!! -I recall at one point toward the end my hands were actually shaking from nerves and I couldn't get them to stop?

After a while it started getting late and I wasn't sure how to make my exit, or if I even should - "what if they invite me to stay?" "What if they don't?" -I somehow managed to find the right cue, and left with a smile on my face and an overwhelming feeling of giddiness that made it nearly impossible for me to sleep that night despite running on a mere 3 hours sleep prior - "my God, logic dictates I should have keeled over right there on the tracks?" Normally I can't even get through an afternoon cooped up at the house without needing to nap.

So I just wanted to talk a moment to talk about this for those whom have read up until now. I doubt any of my friends will read this, and hope it stays that way, but I wanna say "thank you" anyway, for offering me a drink and a smoke on this day. I hope to run into to y'all again (as the events of this day seem somewhat to me like the details of my tarot reading from 2012 coming into fruition. I'd like to thank the Universe for giving me this test, ask kindly ask that it and my new found friends have considerable patience in me into bringing me out of my shell cause as embarrassed as I am to admit it, I know -- I HAVE A LONG WAYS TO GO?... ...

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