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Bad Day - 05/18/13 (First Journal Entry)

I haven't tried any of these other genre selections so this will be a first for me, thought I would give it a journal entry a try. Pardon me if I'm doing this incorrectly or if I'm misusing the site, and if anyone's uninterested to hear this they don't have to read further. But, as starving spiritualist - who was born with atheist parents, "change" is hard for me, and I'm still going through it trying to figure things out.
I come here often, well as often as I get 'comments', and it's usually very comforting and helpful and it makes me feel like I'm part of a community. This site isn't very interactive, socially that is (not compared to other websites I frequent) so I'm sometimes quite frustrated at not being able to show my appreciation and thanks to those who 'just wanna help' by leaving me comments. To do it on someone else's dream post seems to me 'off topic' and to comment on the dream is usually overwhelming. Lucid dreaming is a little beyond me I'm still at the beginner level. I couldn't even fathom what to say in comments below? -So consider this an official "thank you" to all my friends and those that have commented before on previous posts, cause this is the best approach I could think of to come up with that.

Anyway, I don't know if I'm the first to do this, it could take me all month to go through the stream page to keep up with everyone's posts, so I don't know how many post something like this. Consider this an experiment. Blah blah blah, I guess I better keep it moving here or I'll never formulate a point. Just for orientation purposes, I'll try to keep it brief so I don't have to repeat myself, and it won't be such torture for those who just don't care.
To give a lil' summary bout myself. I'm often a very vivid dreamer, although lucidity is not my strong suit and is still just beyond my grasp. Go easy on me, I'll explain why that is in a minute. Most of my dreams I'm afraid are still very story oriented (although in retrospect that makes them a little more to post online) but they do get pretty bizarre and ever since I was a kid I've remembered some pretty strange ones. Some soft and gooey they make you all warm on the inside, but sadly most of them growing up have been the kind that get your heart racing in the middle of the night. But it hasn't been until recently (2011) that I've gotten myself into the habit of jotting them down.
I've still got plenty that I'm willing to post and don't worry I'll keep up with that whenever I can. But mainly this journal post is to offer an explanation as to why it is I can't seem to take any of it any further than that in expanding my spiritual awakening. I'll leave my reasons for what it is that 'kick started' my awakening for another day cause that's really a WHOLE NOTHER discussion unto itself. For now, I just want to set a few things straight for those of whom in my life (most of which are total strangers to me who out the goodness of their heart, have attempted to do more for me in my struggles, than anyone blood-related to me or otherwise in nearly THREE DECADES on the living plain thus far) it saddens me to make others feel like their courteous advice seems to fall on deaf ears.
I want to explain why that it is, and if it sounds like I'm simply whining y'all don't have to read. But it's funny, I seem to have more friends, in the genuine as far as I'm concerned, at the other end of a keyboard God knows where in the world, than I do in my own small knit community made up of few close friends, NONE of which are my own age - I'll explain why that is some other time. And some days I just feel at my rope's end and don't know what else to do, and I need someone to talk to. And well, this is me "thinking creative" I guess?
So here it goes. Everyone I've talked to thus far in going from consult to consult in the various contacts I've been drawn to in my spiritual research, study, and practice thus far, have overloaded me with talk of OPTIMISM, POSITIVITY, and CONFIDENCE. And I really honest to God (I couldn't MEAN THAN more literally!) consider myself to be primarily an optimist. I started out that way in life as a youngster and got labeled a "goody two-shoes" by other kids - then puberty kicked in, and shot that all to hell. I started wanting to wear black and take up smoking, but my mom (or 'the Warden' as I called her behind her back) kept a rather tight leash on me and my older bro. Then a whole bunch of other ugly stuff happened that just kinda made me feel ugly on the inside and well, y'all will get the picture as I describe my family situation later on. -So it's really NOT THAT EASY to those that have tried to help, y'all gotta understand it's not like flipping a switch to let in the optimism when you still live with family members that damn near borderline on nihilism - especially when they can't even see it for themselves!...
Today for me was - one of those days. Which might explain the lacklusterness of my next dream post when I get around to posting it:

***05-18-13***

It's been a few days. Dream recall is as far as I've gotten in my spiritual practice. Here's my usual regiment. I wake up, jot down the details as FAST as humanly possible. Sometimes my eyes are so bloodshot I have to force them open and hold the notepad nearly up to my eyeball to write stuff down. I bought a digital recorder recently but I keep forgetting to use it - I know it sounds silly but I hate the sound of my own voice played back to me. I mull over everything that happened. I know I'm not supposed to but I usually start with the bad, then think of the good afterward. Although in recent weeks I've attempted to squash this bad habit y'all should note.
I take everything I can away from the dream that might work as a guide today. Where am I going, what do I do, ect. Then I usually get up by this point I realize I've been sitting here contemplating the contents of a dream still in bed for nearly an hour now? I do the breakfast and bathroom thing, feed my indoor cats, will feed the outdoor ones later after I get back from my walk. I walk around town for about an hour in the Sun. And when I say around town, it's actually more a scenic route. This is a small town with just over 2000 population, everybody knows everybody (except me:( ) and has First Nations Aboriginal roots, is actually listed on Google maps as a 'Sacred Site' my bro just recently found out.
The advice given to me has been to surround myself around people. I'm shy and need to work on my people skills. There's a river out back behind the park that I like to walk along, it's sorta peaceful - except so many people have so many of their freakin' dogs out! I try to be polite and say hi and wave to everybody I pass, and just basically try to soak up the positivity. Although it's sort of oxymoronic since I use this opportunity to take my negativity with me. It may sound weird or disturbing but I often talk to myself when nobody's around (or THINK to myself) on my walks, I imagine I'm talking to someone, and dishing out my problems in hopes of figuring out what to do about them. I pretend I know what the other person would say in order to keep the conversation going. It's not usually as helpful as you may think?
Anyway, lately I haven't even been afforded THIS luxury cause the weather's suddenly turned cold and living all the way up here in the mountains residents of Keremeos look forward ALL YEAR to their summer hot days. It's funny that most residents look forward to it, are usually the same ones that go away for summer vacation? But lately these late April showers have been hitting us HARD and have been anomalously cold? It's been cloudy and gloomy and I've inherited this from my Mom I'm afraid, I can always 'feel' the weather in my bones on days like this. You feel inactive. And my dream recall has suffered.
Well today was a PARTICULAR bad day. Don't ask me what he was mad about, my family doesn't share our feelings with one another, my folks were brought up almost on Marxist values, human emotions are uncomfortable and seen as a sign of weakness. The working world is COLD and HARD and one needs to BE cold and hard on order to beat it. You get the picture.

So my bro seemed to be upset about something. I heard words uttered from his room "SHIT! GOD DAMNIT!" (And I promise you'll never see me print that expression again, I don't like to damn God) And my bro BURSTS out of his roof in a hail of fury!!! SLAM this door, SLAM that door. (My brother's favorite thing to do on this planet is slam doors and when I say 'slam', he hits it so hard the whole house 'rattles'.) And you do NOT want to be in his way when he gets going. Our parents are in their 60s' and 70s' and I wouldn't put it passed him to push them down if the opportunity presents itself.
He heads outside, goes into one of the supply rooms where we are currently keeping an orange cat that's unneutered, we're planning to ship down to the coast. It's part of a volunteer group to rescue stray cats that my Mom started virtually on our own. Anyways, this one isn't supposed to be let out, but does my brother care... ...HA!
He has this disturbing habit that I hate when he does this, he 'hisses' at the cats like a cat himself when he wants them to go away. Through my hard work, most of these cats were feral which I've managed to tame down by showing them kindness. The problem is they don't seem to get along with each other, and have the bad habit of hanging around the front porch, and following us when we try to walk. Actually since they get in front of us it's more like they force us to follow them.
So after he threatens the cats with bodily harm he goes in the house and LIGHTNING CRACKS the door shut. I'm left with what to do about the orange cat that's out, and more importantly what to do about ...him? I don't like to be around "all this" when it happens so I just leave. Time for my walk. But all the cats are hungry and I gotta feed all 30 of them, uugh -NOW?!
I go to inform my Mom what happened about the cat. She's pissed off I can see it in her eyes. But will she do what needs to be done? Well...

She puts the cat in another room. Our business partner to the group is coming down in a couple of days to get him so we need to keep him quarantined till them so he doesn't "bolt". That's actually happened more times than y'all may wanna guess. When she goes in the house, I'm just outside and can see through the windows, she's by the sink, by bro's by the door. Rather than scold him, or KICK HIS ASS is what "I" would do, she simply explains that "oh, he doesn't have to worry, she put him away" and explains about our volunteer friend coming down to get him. This is a perfect time for my brother to simply apologize and say he was upset, he's over it, let's all forget it happened and move on with our day.
Next thing that happens -- THOR'S HAMMER to the door!!! Practically right in our Dad's face (God bless him) he was standing right there. Both of them are upset, I can see it. My Dad's the only one with the balls to at least mutter something to himself about how rude that all was. But when I go talk to my Mom later to her. Forced to handle this all on my own, how to go about breaking the ice in trying to get my parents to start holding my brother accountable for his childish actions - if y'all think this is a "one time occurrence" I'm afraid I got some 'stories' for ya. --But no, family policy. Mom acts like it's her fault, if we all ignore it it'll go away(???)...

So there you have the gist of it. I could go on but it would only make me sound in MORE dire need of an immediate psychiatrist, or a hitman?! But mainly my purpose for posting this online here, if any of you have read up to this point, is simply cause I don't know where else to turn. All our relatives think my bro is a saint, I'm the typical black sheep (although some of this I fully admit may be all in my head) but more or less NOOOO BODY seems interested in the truth behind the fiction and everyone thinks the best way to handle my bro is to baby him on his infantile behavior.
But that's not even what this is really about. If I had somewhere to go I'd move out - and I may have to make a desperate attempt, a teacher at the night school I've been attending has suggested applying for welfare and getting low-income housing, that's a start anyway. But the point it, everybody tells me to meditate, meditate, and eat healthy and do this and do that, get all the junk food out of my diet, and exercise, and in the midst of all this I've been attempting to try astral projection and lucid dreaming as well as even more 'ambitious' metaphysical practices. But I can't even get past stage 1 when I can't even get balance in my life, cause my stress levels are THROUGH THE FLIPPIN' ROOF! not knowing if today's one of the days my parents start putting each other down again, or my brother decides to throw a chair across the kitchen. At this point, "death" sounds blissful...?

I haven't seen or heard from my angels or guides in like a while I'm still learning about the cycles of the planets and everything. I'm at a loss if it's simply due to technicality in regards to Mercury Retrograde, but I often feel abandoned and I make really poor decisions. I've been attempting to get a psychic reading from somebody online just for somebody to 'point me in a direction', otherwise I'm spinning all over the place. And the last person just lately on GLP replied to my tarot card request with simply "you're a month late." Wait, you mean I "should" have asked last April? What does this mean, have I just screwed myself, I'm trying to achieve something really important, I'm at a crossroads.
So it's just been like that all day long. And I just got done watching "Crimes and Misdemeanors" with my Mom and hopefully have my mindset back on track. But I gotta tell y'all, when I woke up from my nap earlier my mind races through a million ideas (ranging from simply to outrageous to borderline psychotic) a minute, and it took me half an hour quite possibly to actually pull myself out of bed before I got going.
Thank you all for your time, have a safe trip wherever you are. My utmost apologies if this has been a waste of your time. Luv, Light and Trust.

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