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I'm Broken!

This is a dream I had several weeks ago, I don't know if it's good or bad. I forgot to write down the date as far as I know. And since it's been so long and I'm simply referring to my cliff notes and my own personal memory, some of the details run the danger of being 'embellished'. With that being said, for the sake of narration I will try my best to present the facts as groggy and disorganized as they came to me. -Normally this dream would seem a little too personal to share with strangers like this but it seemed to tell me a lot, I want to know what it was trying to tell me, and I do feel as though there was something 'important' that was being said to me. Normally, upon reflection when I look back at my dreams, I can sense (for the most part anyway) that most characters in it are essentially me. Like a puppeteer I can manipulate what they have to say, but this was one of those rare times I didn't feel in control of the dialogue being delivered which lead me to believe I may have been talking to another intelligence. I wish I knew precisely what the message was cause in my personal life I've been going through a lot. Not externally, just a lot on my mind that I've been trying to sort through. -This is also the first time in a while I think I have a LONG one for all off my readers and I'm a lil' out of practice with posting these, so here goes, and I hope I still got some readers left.

Ok, it's distracting, and I can't quite place WHERE the sequence was located in the course of the events of the dream so I will simply get this part out of the way so it doesn't interfere with the plot. -During a couple of the sequences of the dream (I can't recall exactly when but have a best estimate-) I got what I would call an 'interlude' over top during certain conversations. I don't know what the purpose of it was, it's not related to the subject of the plot in any way. I know for certain in my notes it's out of it's original place cause it just came to mind and I was trying to write everything down before I forgot, even though I could barely see cause my eyes are usually quite bloodshot first thing when I first wake up. But I don't know if it's important or not so I decided to keep it in. To describe what it feel like when it happened is kinda like a tv signal that overlaps another channel when you're trying to work a pair of rabbit ears, I could see both scenes at the same time and one was over top of my vision of the other for some reason?

The interlude in question is of a fictional episode of Conan O'Brian's show. He's talking to comedian Sarah Silverman on the show and I apparently wrote down that he seemed to be 'flirting' with her, throughout the entire segment. So blatant that after the episode was over I see them walking hand in hand and they announce that they're going out to dinner after the show's over. Like on a 'date'. -There's also (and I can't really remember this part too well) a male guest that tells Conan a story about encountering a crazy redneck that takes out a shotgun and starts shooting, can't remember if it was at him or just at random targets before the guest finally got the common sense to flee.

The main part - this happens to be another "Chris" dream. That's why I was so 'excited' to get it, I hadn't had many in the past while. -In the narration of the dream, me and Chris are dating, or at least I'd LIKE to be. The problem is...his friends? His co-workers and friends from the show. They all seem to be pretty protective of Chris, have set HIGH standards for who he can date, and apparently I don't meet them. They really seem to bully me, but Chris stands up for me as best he can. He has confidence in me and is really flattered that I want to go out with him. But it's evident the thoughts that are going through his head, he begins to suspect that - maybe his friends are right about me?

I wrote this down in my notes FIRST, cause I didn't really notice it's peculiarity till I was awake and I thought it was the most important detail. I could tell what Chris was saying, the thing is - I don't think Chris ever said a word??? Everything he says to me in the dream, his mouth never opens, I just somehow - 'know', from the look on his face??? Like the one part where his friends (who seem quite nice on the show) are really ganging up on me, Chris just looks across the room at me and 'smiles'. And it's the warmest/cutest smile I've ever seen and on the face of this Earth and I'll never get it out of my memory as long as I live. (It may sound over melodramatic but when you're in love - you kinda can't help yourself, y'know.) Every night now I try to recapture that image, with some nights better luck than others, but it's what keeps me going.

Anyways, when he bats that adorable smile at me I calm myself. It's the reassurance I really need, but I'm not out of the woods yet. -He and his friends are on tour. What am I doing here? That's what his friends are wondering. I need to pull my own weight if I'm gonna accompany Chris here. The thing is, I don't know how to do anything? But Chris "wants" to believe in me and keeps feeding me suggestions. -They need musicians for the instruments while they sing, ok, I'll do that. But I'm so rusty at everything. I haven't played the trombone since 7th Grade. And I recall that I was just having a TERRIBLE time trying to find the sheet music. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm looking through all the drawers (I don't know where we were, it felt like a trailer or a bus or something, the kind celebrities use, but it was large enough to be a house or apartment or something?) and I'm tearing the place apart! I'm almost willing to suggest these 'jerks' are trying to hide the sheet music from me on purpose? They REEEEEALLY don't like me!

When they point out how much I 'suck' at everything, Chris can't help but look a lil' disappointed? To give you an idea of how bad it was, it's like his friends are Patty and Selma and I'm the Homer to Chris' Marge. -Finally the teacher comes in just as they're dew to go out on stage and perform, he gives me a second chance. He orders me very sternly, almost military like "Quick Tyler, bake a cake!" I think "this is my second chance." I'll bake everyone (mostly Chris) a cake for when they get back. That's more my speed. -The only thing is, my "bro's" the baker in the family, not me? I haven't the slightest idea what I'm doing, and yet again, I'm going through all the cupboards, trying to find everything, cause I recall quite specifically that it's like the 'ingredients' to make the cake are completely missing. It's really bizarre, it's almost like someone's purposely hid them on me, I mean I completely turned that place inside out, they're nowhere to be seen. The teacher and this "other woman", I don't recognize who she is, she's old and crabby and apparently - not on my side. They are talking to each other as the Teach decided to stay behind and supervise me as I get started. The old woman is convincing the Teacher that I don't have what it takes to stay here, just look at me fumble around the room trying to find something tearing the place apart like a madman. I can't even bake a fucking cake!

During the later part of this sequence I remember trying to hold back the need to relieve myself, I had to go like REALLY BAD, but the need finally overcame me. I ask if it's alright if I use the bathroom, with an expression in my voice that I can only describe as the feeling of DEFEAT? -They say it's ok and I walk down the hallway as I look back to see the old woman feeling victorious and talk quietly to the Teacher. (I should note before moving on, only cause it was written specifically in my notes that it was actually the old woman that said to me is was ok.)

I find the bathroom down the hall, but before I go in, in one of the rooms I see my Dad sitting down on a bed or a chair or something, trying to get his shoes off, not having much luck. I go in to help, not sure if I should, I guess I'm just really not in the mood and feeling pretty sorry for myself. I do go to help but I wrote down in my notes that my best friend Daniel is apparently there. Not sure when he showed up? And he gets the boot or shoe off for my Dad. -I can't even get THAT right either?!

I go into the bathroom, it's a large public washroom but I lock the door, I want to be alone and have my privacy. This is where things get kinda surreal. I need to make sure ALL the doors are locked, and I say that cause apparently there's another door across the room on the other side. Wait, there's another door. Come to think of it, this room has MANY doors??? I wrote it down like that. There's a neverending supply of doors in this bathroom, I keep finding more and more, there are even some in the stalls. I wrote down in my notes, not sure what I remember about it, but it appears there are 'doors within doors' in this bathroom. I starting to get impatient, trying to lock all these doors. There's one in the back of a stall in particular that I recall I suddenly become quite curious what's on the other side?

I am indeed able to lock it from the inside but "I need to know" first. I can't explain it, I don't really feel compelled to 'investigate' or anything, I just really need for my own peace of mind, to KNOW what's on the other side, before I pee. -I wrote down in my notes, there's one door that has 'no other door' to it, whatever the hell that means? -When I go through the door, it leads out into what seems like a large building, like a mall or a bus terminal or a court house or something. There's this aggressive teenage girl who sees me. I get frightened, I've seen enough, I retreat back through the door into the bathroom but she follows me. She starts laying in to me. She really wants to HURT me in some way before she can move on. She notices I have a cellphone and grabs at it. She wants to SMASH it! -I try to protect the phone like my life depended on it. I wrote in my notes that it's a gift from Chris, it's the only thing I have of him and the only proof I have that what we share together is indeed REAL! I can't let her have it and I really wrestle with her, trying to hold back her hand by the wrist. DAMN this blonde girl is strong! Or maybe just PMSing with pure Estrogenal RAGE!

She manages to grab it withing my hand as I'm holding it and throws it down and smashes it. -It's broken. I'M broken, I write. I think I recall looking in a smashed mirror a top the sink. Defeat. -I wake up!

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