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prelude (waking reality): i have been suffering from a psychologial and\or physical throat dysfunction the last year and a bit. its becoming more and more emotionally traumatizing for me, and my throat feels more hoarse as time goes on.
i have a connection with a very special friend of mine named Calista. she is my sister, my soulmate, my teacher, my student. but we have a very specific connection in the world of sound. i try to honor and acknowledge the fact that its state is impermanent and will be all ways changing. we go through tumultuous times in our relationship but also reap many spiritual rewards. but lately it has been distant and full of unspoken tension. (our only conflict ever really stems from miscommunication, or lack of altogether).
her nickname\alter ego is Cricket. and she reminds me of the most important person to me, my Grandmother. they both have piercing blue eyes and are tempramental and passionate. when i moved to Canada my grandmother gave me a special trinket, a little fabric box with Chinese symbols. when you open the box to the light, two golden crickets on springs begin to chirp above a bright red fabric lining. a year and a bit ago when the crickets stopped to chirp, i began to lose my voice.
i also watched "the little mermaid" religiously when i was a child, and i definitely think it contributed a lot to my esoteric psyche. the red headed mermaid sacrifices her voice for an ideal, and the witch doctor takes advantage of this vulnerable state. all to learn a lesson im sure. i feel sometimes like my voice has been stolen. and i feel, since Calista and i used to have such a special singing connection, that she would help me out of this state, put forth energy into helping me heal. but that is just an expectation. sometimes in moments of my own weakness i resent her for never taking that step, because i feel insecure and like she has abandoned me as her partner. dismissing my ailment as a delusion, or just avoiding it altogether, leaving our once harmonious crickets now dusty on a shelf, never to be activated again.... but i recognize that its my own unjust expectation leading me to have harsh feelings. i have been taking space from it and trying to let time take its course. but this dream says a lot.

dream:
i am in a small tribe of people, the only people I recognize are Calista and my mother. and i am in tremendous pain, my voice is raspy and dry and its dullness has spread to the rest of my body.
a few people, including maybe Tristan teal have set up a little wagon for me in the snow, to take space and heal. but i am crying furiously because i feel broken, and i dont know how to fix it.
i'm laying on my back in this arctic space, i can see the heat defrosting from inside my lungs as i exhale in pain. it feels like theres thorns inside my throat, as if im bleeding on the inside.
i toss and turn in this little space alone, there is a sense that i am very alone in this process, but with subtle support that is potentially healing if i can only recognize it.
i woke up eventually and felt very drained and sad. but also learned. the following night i felt a release with the help of my really good friend psymon. he is amazingly magikal and psychic and has always had a genuine compassion towards my shitty circumsntance. what started off as a simple snuggle lead to an intuitive reiki-like purging, i could feel pain releasing from my throat and out thru my tears.
the next morning i woke up with a pretty gnarly cough and spitting up mucus... hopefully i am purging

i trust

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