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over 11 years ago
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art show anxiety

I don't have a BFA show to prepare for anymore but apparently that doesn't keep me from dreaming about it. Likely because that was as far into my future as I had planned and now poof no show. The gallery space felt more like the sculpture studio, packed full of shit piles of it to the ceiling cramped with too many people between me and my plants. Many varieties were packed into one pot, but I have dozens of pots. I was trying to transplant the best specimens into my sculptures but I would pull them up and then misplace them. In my mind I kept going back to the same varieties, same shapes, the ones I know I want to work out. The atmosphere becomes tense. It is a struggle as the head of a weaker piece snaps right off. I rush for epoxy and beg for help as I try to get all the bits lined up. I recall the miniscule scale of some of these little plants that I was dealing with. A dozen could fit in your palm but I was so focused on them. Shoving wet spongy earth into deerly beloved's mouth, minding the teeth of course. My own struggling windowsill creatures making brief appearances. mother in law's tongue. philodendron. all sorts of mosses and lichens on rocks and bits of wood like puzzles.

the room has become a bloom. every surface green. I hoist a rock up onto a large pedestal covered in growth and carvings and sculptures. my grandmother again, I listen to her in the kitchen telling me about her assignments, these papers that she is writing, one that she finds enjoyable while the other is a chore. I see a young girl, baby, really, she is pouting for a dog. gregory crawls over to her in play, pretending, leading her down the hall. greg makes a convincing dog. nostalgia a sort of bitter peace.

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