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almost 12 years ago
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lifestyle introspection

I have a large chunk of flesh. I am peeling away layers of it and arranging it in such a way that I can sew it together into a sculpture of a heart. While I am searching for a needle and thread, I become sidetracked by ice cream in the freezer. I know that no one is around me, so I decide to guiltily scoop myself a bowl and cover it with the last of a bottle of chocolate shell. The icecream is melting in its container. I eat my bowl, but feel like I am committing a crime. In my waking life I have recently decided to pursue veganism.

I am laying in a bed naked cuddling with my male nude model friend. We are not being physically intimate. Our covers are arranged in such a way that I can not feel his penis against me. I miss the physical closeness of my true partner who is currently across the country. From across the room I am being berated by someone I do not recognize, but who knows that the man in my bed is not the man I truly want in my bed. I worry that he will tell Tyler that I am being unfaithful, so I try to plead my case and justify my actions. Eventually Brenton becomes Tyler and the problem eliminates itself.

I am a contestant on the TV show chopped. My dish consists of little square pastries with a tomato inside of them. I am trying to plate my dish and rearrange it so that it looks more impressive than it is, but I run out of time. The judges do not like my plate as much as my competitor. I eat a bit of each and agree with them. As I sit behind my cooking station Sheena approaches me with her bright turquoise hair. She is quite beautiful. Although, she talks to me as if we know each other much more intimately than we actually do and invades my personal space. I am not troubled by it but rather fascinated with her bizarre personality quirks and facial expressions.

I am walking with friends in a gigantic natural space. There is snow on the ground, but we wear regular clothing and we are not cold. It seems that this space was once a city, but has since been abandoned to the elements. We effortlessly climb a large sort of flume that is covered in snow and fallen trees, then race down it by sliding on our bums. There are tunnels and chutes for us to choose from, and the whole descent is very exhilarating. When I get to the bottom I realize that I have lost my two younger siblings, and take one of my friends along to search for them. I feel irresponsible for having lost track of them, as they were clearly in my charge. The snowy world we search through looks more like a park now, with swingsets and jungle gyms.

There are children everywhere. I keep thinking that I find my siblings, but the children I grab are like specters... they look like younger versions of Lily and Simon, but act outraged or confused by my presence. As if I am threatening to take them away. Every time I come across one I get a little more embarrassed that I can't recognize my own littlies. I find Simon in a set of indoor playrooms with increasingly darker themes, with adults roaming around but not paying much attention to the children. The young ones are unfazed. I ask him where his sister is, but of course he does not know.

Simon, my unrecognizable friend, and I, search for Lily. I hesitate to yell her name and act visibly upset because I don't really want anyone else to know that I have lost her. After coming across more specters, she walks through a doorway and into the room that we are standing in. She has several young girls in tow, likely bossing them about. I am instantly relieved. LIly acts nonplussed. Neither of the children were ever worried that I had lost them; they simply continued playing.

I am driving my car. I flip down the visor and look into the mirror. I notice that my hair has grown out to the length is was last summer. I'm really fucking pleased because my current haircut is ridiculous. I am admiring my own reflection as I speed across the back roads, fields of corn on either side. At this point my younger brother opens the door to my bedroom and wakes me up by turning on my light.

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