I was privy to binge drinking for a time when I was younger mostly as a result of a regret I held onto before I could forgive myself and let it go. Upon falling asleep this night I probably downed a couple 40's and whiskey before hitting the sack but this is the dream that transpired. It's been a while but I still can see it behind my eyelids when I close my eyes...
I become aware. It's daytime, mid afternoon and my family is gathered at my father's house in Franklin Lakes, NJ, which is odd because he had just sold that house a while back. It's all my immediate family gathered in the playroom and their spouses and children, though non of them were even married or had any children at that point. As I looked around the room and become more aware in my dream knowledge I recalled that we were celebrating my engagement to a girl who was no longer in my life (for reasons as to why I was drinking so much in the first place when I went to sleep in real life) and I can remember feeling so utterly happy and complete. These little future nieces and nephews are chasing each other around and jumping over the couch and my siblings and my fiancé are talking, and I'm just leaning against the couch taking it all in with smile on my face and an ache in my heart at the peace.
The tv's on in the background. Nobody's paying attention to it but I sort of lent it an eye in my scan across the room but don't really give it much thought. I focus back on the conversation going on but I'm noticing a sound now that just won't give me peace. It's softly droning in my ears and sounds really familiar when the realization hits me.
It the emergency broadcasting signal. That grinding, beeping, whistle noise and it's softly blaring from the television. Now I turn and put all my attention to it because it's different then what I'm used to seeing. The usual, "This is only a test", lettering isn't there and instead a more insidious logo is there. No one else is paying attention but when they all see my gaze focused on the tv they put it together soon enough.
And then the broadcaster comes on and he looks like he's been crying. I can't remember exactly what he said but this is basically the gist
"We're sorry for the interruption but at approximately 11:47 Easter Standard Time a series of intercontinental ballistic missiles were intercepted over the Atlantic Ocean. While almost all of the missiles were intercepted, one has escaped the missile defense system...and is scheduled to impact the great tri-state area in approximately 1 hour."
Then there was some line about how the government didn't want to share the information because escape for those in the impact area was going to be pointless and cause more harm than good.
My fiancé started crying, but it was inaudible, more like forced air leaving her lungs quietly, the red now lining her glistening eyes we the only proof.
I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn't breath and everything felt like it was spinning. My siblings and their spouses began weeping and embraced their significant other's accordingly. I had to leave the house.
My fiancé and I leaned against one another and ambled down the street a sad procession of two. For some reason, in my dream, the ocean was only a block away and we wanted to see it one last time before we were torched. She cried the whole way there and then we lied down on the beach. We were the only ones there and it was very surreal because the sky was a turquoise green and the ocean was orange (reddish?) and we just sat there heads to shoulders with our arms around one another crying. I don't think we said anything but after a while we got back up to head back to the house so at least we could all die together and inside my mind there's a voice screaming at me, telling me there's got to be a way out. This can't be happing. I will escape. I won't except what's going on. You'll never die. You'll find the way out.
But the reality was, that wasn't going to happen.
We get back to the house and everyone is just to grief stricken and done crying and we gather in the playroom in silence and wait. I'm looking out the huge paneled glass window that runs along the side of the house facing east and I still can't shake the urge to escape somehow. Yet for some reason it hits me, THE BASEMENT! Maybe we'll be safe in the basement. So I turn and begin to run a step beyond my fiance and grab her hand in my passing. She's jerked up by my momentum to her feet and is one half step in following me when I turn back to look at her and see it.
Like lightening across the sky I see what looks like a falling star visible in the daylight enter in to the view made by the window and then streak across the sky into the horizon.
Everything goes into slow motion. I'm only another step across the floor heading to the kitchen that has the basement door off of it. There's no noise anymore, only a muffled silence and behind and beyond my finance's head which is facing me, I see a wall of flame shoot up into the sky. She's looking into my eyes questioningly at first wondering in the 3 seconds this all took to transpire what I'm doing. Then she see's it in my eyes and with a look of horror she starts to turn her head. By the time her face is only half turned back to try and see it, the wall of flame has traveled from the horizon to right outside the window. Then the glass implodes and I see all the tinny shards come at me riding on a wall sized current of red light and my girlfriends hair suddenly whips towards my direction with the impact. I scream NO in my mind one last time.
And then it all goes dark.
And this is where things get weird(er).
I can hear nothing but silence; an absolute silence. There's nothing, and by nothing I mean nothing. Even when it's the silence of the middle of the night I'm still aware of the fact that I'm hearing that nothing noise that exists somewhere in your ears when there's no other sound to be heard and I'll still see flashes of color or spots behind my eyes when they're closed and I'm still passively aware of the bed beneath me and the covers on top of me touching my skin, but in this vacuum there's nothing. Only an inaudible voice inside what I can't even describe as, me.
My mind races with thoughts of, what happened to my fiancé, my parents, my siblings, the children?? Are they okay? Where are they?! Where am I?! What's the matter with me?
I'd move, or scream or do something but there's nothing to do any of those actions with. I knew all along but didn't want to think it, but it was there with me from the beginning of the silence...am I dead?
And while these thoughts are rushing through my mind I feel the sensation that I'm falling but in an upwards direction, swaying slightly back and forth. And still the thoughts are racing through my mind. But then something odd starts to happen. While I'm falling upwards ever so slowly, I feel as though I'm being penetrated by a small wave of relief. I hardly notice it but the further I fall up the more intense it becomes and with the more intense waves of relief I start to understand. There's no voice or visuals or anything, but a huge sense of love and relief and understanding washes over me and I know everything's going to be okay. I begin to know and realize all the answers to every question I ever asked whether it was, was Elvis still alive (literally I remember knowing that) to, why is there's so much needless suffering. It was amazing. No collection of words could quantify the feeling of love, security, or happiness I had, that I knew everyone had and the feeling only became stronger as I rose higher until I sensed that I was reaching the epicenter of the Reason.
It seemed like a blurry television screen returning from a fade to black that stopped only at light and shadows. Silhouetted as shadows against a light that emanated from behind them I was surrounded by what I recognized to be people and I can only describe it as feeling like I was home, like I was finally home where I could finally rest and be happy, but then One approached me beyond all the others and I could sense what seemed like, like something I cannot describe because I cannot remember it nor understand in this body. I heard a voice that was voiceless yet full of love, and it simply said: It's not your time yet.
And with that I began to slowly fall back down, and while I fell I began to forget. All the understanding I had know was slowly being stripped from my mind along with the love and security and I remember shouting, NO, No, I want to stay! And I knew I shouldn't be saying it but I was only human, and I knew that. And I knew as such that I was weak. And the further I fell the less I knew till I was left with just me and where I was when the glass window imploded behind the force of the explosion. I was alone in the silence again when suddenly upon realizing it, I sat bolt upright and breathed, breathed as it burned my lungs, and exhaled, and then gasped for air again, and the sound of my heart kicked back into my ears and it was racing as if I'd run a mile or just help by breath underwater till I almost black out. And I wept because I could still faintly remember everything that had happened and everything I had known, the dream and whatever had happened next. But I only remembered that I once knew but couldn't remember anything beyond the loss of that knowledge. And as I cried, a flood of new questions entered my mind and I felt so small and alone.
Then I got up to pee cause I really had to go from the large quantity of alcohol I had drunk that night. And that's the end of my dream experience. This is all I experienced but the conclusions I draw are my own. This is here for you to interpret.