This is my journal that contains every bit of what I've experienced with Him. Who "Him" is, well, that would be the person I'm referring to as my crush. I only refer to him as Him because of the perfection there is in his name. He is perfect in every way. That is how much I have come to like Him. I will write this all in hopes that I will remember about Him the day that I grow up. I'm still in HighSchool anyway. I will continue expanding this until I graduate on March.
I don't know what led me to like Him... But there was just something about Him, that was so radiant and that captivated me... He is like an angel for me, in every way that He is. I know its something people are difficult to relate to. Me, being a guy, and liking on a guy. My perspective of things is probably different. Whatever people say though, wouldn't change how I view of him. I consider myself a homosexual not because I generally like guys. Rather put it this way: I'm a homosexual all for my liking of Him, and no one else. Although let us say that I am someone who easily falls in love with things, what He has given me proved to be something stronger.
♥ The first that I was able to hear from Him was sometime on July. I knew I had a crush on Him right from the start, even right before I became His classmate. It went something like "Its nice to see you again". I was right beside Him then, His hand almost gained contact with mine. We were lined up along the corridors for a school tradition we have of daily singing our national anthem and reciting pledges. This was the very first thing I heard from Him that directly addressed me, so I savored it and giggled afterwards. This was only the beginning of it. As time passed by my infatuation for Him grew even stronger.
♥ My borrowing his jug when we were doing something for our bonding period right outside of the classroom, when I was looking for a circular material to trace out the circle I needed on a sheet of paper and had to resort to desperate measures. I just saw his jug on the floor and never knew it was actually His. I swayed off refusing to borrow it and grabbed my second opportunity to communicate with Him. He spoke his approval in the vernacular language.
♥ He asked me for a partnership during a Social Studies activity that required dual efforts. We were supposed to interview a school staff with a set of questions and inquire them about their minimum wage (they may choose not to answer this) as well as their privileges as people employed by that school. We had to ask at least two people. So I accepted His offer (I was seated near the back corner during this time and He approached me willingly, looking all serious in the desire to complete another task) and headed off to the library to start our interview with the campus librarian, Ms. Agnes, consuming the rest of the hour that our Social Studies instructor gave for us to be able to finish the two interviews. It had to last that long, and I was so concentrated with Ms. Agnes while interviewing her, concealing the actual feelings that I've been retaining in his company. During the interview, we sat at a table in the library to conduct it more freely and comfortably; He was seated right in front of me, and the librarian at my left. All throughout, I barely looked at Him. But He would look at me thoughtfully and I didn't know what that meant. Was it because He admired me for the way I delivered my questions?
♥ I never knew if it really was an accident, but He tripped me through the back of my knee in the computer lab when I was about to go to my respective seat, and immediately said sorry at the instance of doing so. I only nodded this off, with a hint of exasperation I never should've given. If He was setting up an excuse to talk to me through this, then if I would've known that all along, I'd be at my happiest.
♥ A certain Wednesday on July was when we were in our Citizens' Army Training uniforms and had a "quiz" in our bonding period. The quiz was meant to test out whom of us were now able to know much about our classmates and socialize with them, as it was now a month exactly from the starting of school and acquaintances between classmates are expected to have already been pushed further. The test had questions that mostly concerned about each of our personalities, habits, and even our family relations. A particular question, as I could recall it, was "Who is this person who is being treated by his mom like a girl?" to which the answer was Jerald. There were fifty questions in all, so while forty-nine of them dealt with each and every forty nine of us students, two of them dealt with Him. (one was about His address and another was asking which three among our fifty classmates have a "Marion" in their names) The one item where I was the answer, being the fifteenth, was something that went like "This person has a burning passion for Psychology". A lot of my classmates knew from the start that I wanted to pursue Psychology, which is why this came about. So when every fifty questions were answered, we were asked to pass our papers and have them randomly distributed to us so that we could have a recheck. I was checking John Paul's paper then, while HE, in such a perfectly imperfect coincidence, was checking mine, as I later found out. When the teacher went on to declare each of our names in the items, there was an answer I wrote on my paper where I happen to have misspelled my classmate's family name - from "Magno" to "Mango". As I noticed Him laughing at this in the front seat alongside Kristalle who was behind Him, I blushed so freaking hard as if there was no tomorrow.
♥ My Physics teacher, Sir NJ, long knew that I was a homosexual. Such so, even right before I came to be his student in my senior year. And back then, little did he know that I fell in-love. A love that was beautifully imperfect, there could possibly be no force of resistance against it. But as he boldly puts it, "In every action is always an equal but opposite reaction". He always sums it up that way in his intriguingly inspiring sermons. Sometime in July, there came a time when, while we were doing our seatworks in Physics, he broke what should've been a long peaceful silence. As I went on answering all the items in a graphing paper, an unlikely Sir NJ suddenly announced something so loud that everyone right in that classroom could have unmistakably heard it. He said, in the vernacular language, "Someone in this classroom is having a crush on [state crush's name here]". I was seated right at the far-right corner at the back then, and when he uttered the last word I instinctively pulled my head upward at a moment's glance at him, and saw Sir NJ look right back at me with the gesture that connotes sarcastic directness. With that coming from him, that made me wonder to the highest point of perception how my very Physics teacher ever knew about my crush. The irony in that is, HE is currently groomed as the subject's coordinator.
♥ On a certain day in the month of August, and which was a Wednesday, our adviser asked us to prepare a piece of paper and write each of our names on them. We were told to pass these papers around to our classmates going on a clockwise movement, and let them write one good thing as well as a bad one that they would ever like to impart on us. The papers must reach each and every one of us forty-nine classmates in that manner, and be able to go back to ourselves as we first passed them on to others. I happen to have been sitting right at the very back of the classroom at that time, on the far-right corner near the door, so the papers that I will be passing will be delivered by our adviser to the person at the corner diagonally opposite from me. (if I could remember clearly, that person was Jerald) At this point of time, He was then seated right in front of the chalkboard, as per His request, since He is near-sighted. Because of this then, He would be the fifth person to receive my paper. (He was four seats away from Jerald) After that time, days passed and we were finally able to see what's written on our papers as they were distributed back to us from our teacher, accompanied with a note from her. When I saw mine, there were a variety of compliments and as well as not-so-offending hurtful adjectives - such was the word "weird". A lot of people wrote "anti-social", too. (to my admittance, I really was unsociable back then, but have since then improved a lot as is now myself in 2012) The very highlight that I saw in my paper, written in neat script typography in dark ink and in just one word (as I later found out to be His) was the word "bright". It was almost sensual to my sight. I never would have known it that he actually sees me as someone who is "bright". What's more, he never wrote anything on my bad side. That really made my day.
♥ He asked me at a dismissal time (right after FJ came to our classroom to ask me something) along with Redmond about what I was doing in SM Fairview when they saw me there near the annex. I never actually knew he was part of that group of guys I saw, to whom I only waved when one of them recognized me. I felt nervous while he was doing this. It seemed as though he was too eager to know of my whereabouts.
♥ There was a time when He asked me something regarding the brand of the pink pen that I had back then (the one Dale borrowed from me extensively). I unknowingly left it on His desk at that point and someone returned it to me when he came along to do that. Even up to the present, I'm striving to know why He would talk to me over such a pen.
♥ During a Social Studies class, I felt so engaged to the topic that was being lectured by our teacher, which happens to involve my favorite field of study - Psychology. It was among the few instances when a topic would have something close to the Psychologies. The topic concerned itself with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, one of my favorite theories ever to have been established. In my absolute fanaticism of it I volunteered to recite in front of the class to elucidate the information that I already know about the Hierarchy of Needs that I acquired through reading tons of books. So there I stood near the board, feeling apparently nervous at the thought of Him looking at me. And He did. I felt frozen at that moment - my tongue willed itself to deliver but the rest of my body all felt contradictory. It was His eyes that intimidate me each and every time that they come to look directly at mine. Those same eyes that made me feel weak to the knees, and which paralyzes me to the extent of stripping from me the ability to recite in class. In my 3rd year life I have been made known to recite almost every day. But now, it seems that whom once came to be myself has now been bared naked of those powers. All because of Him.
♥ After our break time, He suddenly went right beside me as I sat on my armchair and asked me: "Do you believe in magic?". This left me so perplexed, that I wasn't even able to identify it as a serious question demanding a scientific response, a statement of sarcasm meant to exploit me, or an actual confession of His love. Of course, the utmost latter was impossible. It only left me replying with "ummm, why do you ask?". Soon, I learned that He was merely selling a ticket to me in promotion of a musical band, in just five bucks. But the very way he said that... With His lips formed perfectly to express itself in the most romantic of terms, I almost and most ridiculously thought that He was proposing to me. Such was so embarrassing that a few other people stared at us, presumably those others who thought they could also vend to me just because I bought HIS ticket.
♥ In my whole life, there have been at least three times when He would ask me something regarding my graphing calculator, an HP 39gs that I bought from National Bookstore worth around five gran. (it was the cheapest graphing calculator they were selling then) In each of these times, there always seems to be this question: "How much did you buy it for?" I never felt annoyed whenever He asks that. It was actually cute how someone could be so into something as simple as a graphing calculator. Or does He value it that much because of His passion in the Mathematics, a field that requires the use of a graphing calculator? During the month of August, there have been two instances for this. The first one happened while I was right in front, sitting by the riser, on which I was copying every lecture there was on the chalkboard during our Calculus period. Coincidentally, my graphing calculator was right beside me, since I always brought it with me during Physics and Calculus classes just in case there was something that could not be manually solved. While writing, I suddenly felt His presence as He sat down right beside me. He asked me if He could prospect my graphing calculator, and I allowed him to. So He held it close to Him, appearing as though He was entirely captured by it. I could go on and on how much I liked the cute sight of Him doing this. Every bit of that I expressed by feeling grateful that I ever bought that graphing calculator.
♥ A second instance in which He asked me something regarding my graphing calculator was while I was chatting with my classmate, Marion Garcia. I was engaged to her in a conversation when I found out that, just like me, she expresses her fervent interests towards anime. I was sitting down on the floor then, and I was writing down things that were written on the board. (if I could remember it clearly, this was another Calculus period) Marion was right behind me, sitting on a desk, while I was talking to her. And He was two seats away from her, such that He was able to hear everything that we were talking about. A female classmate of mine, probably Keli, was flirting on Him, although as I faintly recall this, He wasn't expressly rendering her His full attention. So He leaned forward to me in the middle of my conversation with Marion and asked almost the same things He did to me weeks ago about my graphing calculator. This time, I didn't let my opportunity go to waste. I told him every detail about it that I knew, including what are called as the Applets, with which you can change operations. All throughout, His eyes were closely observing my face, rather than the object that I was demonstrating. I felt mesmerized but continued on with everything that I could say about that little graphing calculator.
♥ There was this point of time in October when the Foundation celebration of our school was nearing (it was on the 23rd, a week or so from when this happened) and at a Friday right before the three-day celebration of the school's founding would start, there would be an extracurricular event called the "Spectacle of Nations", in which each of every one sections of the upper school would have to decorate their homerooms with respect to the selected country they have been employed with. As for my section, our attributed countries were South Korea and Netherlands. You would've been given the option to choose which from these two you'd like to work with then, as the class would be divided into two. I chose South Korea, and coincidentally, it was just the same group He chose. I chose it because I was able to write in the Korean form of writing as well as to speak a few sensible phrases. I was then assigned to teach a few of our group mates, which were Redmond and Trisha, how to speak some sentences that would've been useful for greeting our visitors. So I lectured to them first that it was essential to know the Korean form of writing, for it governs how you should speak coherent Korean sentences that would depend highly on accent. We were right at the back of our homeroom, I was facing the two of them with pen at hand, when an unlikely person interfered in a jiffy. HE asked me what I was telling them, and calmly did I respond. Again, his voice was flavorful, and almost pleasing as I heard it. Before we were dismissed, we were all asked to leave our homeroom so that people could have a general cleaning. So I put my bag outside aligned with those of others. He again approached me, and tried so well and so cutely to speak in Korean, with "Annyeong-haseyo", which was a formal greeting. He had a deep voice, and this was one of the best moments I have ever had with Him...
♥ At one of our free times, or maybe it was a period right after our break time, He asked me if I could spare him 20 bucks. So I did. He told me He would pay me the next day; though I don't remember Him doing that, I still felt so grateful that I finally gave Him something and left to Him what would make him remember me.
♥ Once, in our homeroom, we had nothing to do, and so in our free time I sat completely withdrawn to myself on my desk presumably writing something to alleviate my boredom while the others talked to each other in separate groups. I got caught up to talking with Jerald, who happened to be my best friend, and the very person I most related myself to, since he was himself an open homosexual and was one of the only four or so people back then at this time who already knew that I was a homosexual. Jerald's other female friends joined themselves in then, since I was open to tolerant females. So we chatted about my past boyfriend, how my life's been with him, etc. We've even gone as far as talking about the kissing part in the bathroom stall. There was Pia, Irish, Romina, and another female that was listening in the conversation. Then came Donnel after some time, who I knew was a very kind guy as he only hangs out with girls. After a few seconds with this, I noticed Him eavesdropping our conversation... When I saw this, I became absolutely nervous and patiently waited a few seconds after He'd stop listening to us behind me before I would continue on with what I was saying. This was possibly the first sign He's seen of me indicating my homosexuality.
♥ Sometime in November, we were in our Social Studies period and were tasked to do an activity that I can't recall. I remember myself seated beside Francis or Sheila, and was maybe talking to them about something academic-related. So I looked behind me, driven by I-don't-remember-what, only to see Him with his eyes fixed on mine - a straight pure face, motionless lips, and a face void of any expression, all of which constitute the emotions of being thoughtfully evaluative. At this sight I flinched and got back on to continuing with what I did, kept to myself, and held my resolution.
♥ During a dismissal time in December 2011, Sir NJ, who was our teacher in Physics, gestured me to look at something. On his hand he held his iPhone, and then told me to look at whats on it. After a few seconds of confusion I realized what he was showing me. It was the picture of someone from back then, who studies in my former school, to whom I stupidly fell in-love. I just nodded at this, knowing nothing to say, since I've long forsaken that old crush of mine which Sir Nesjohn probably still didn't know about. So we had this right beside our adviser's desk, as Sir NJ leaned backward to show it to me privately. But He then noticed this and, perhaps only out of His curiosity, tried to look at what Sir NJ was showing me so as going close to me with His chest almost in contact with mine. Out of nothing but pure instinct, I pushed Him back with my hand but didn't do so hardly. I didn't so much as look at Him as I did this, but continued to pretend to mind only Sir NJ's phone. He stared at me hard, with a bit of a frown as I noticed it right from the corner of my eye. This left me with a broken heart as I went on home.
♥ Right in the middle of December 2011, we just had our second to the last set of Periodic Tests for the Second Trimester and our class officers decided to have a lottery picking in choosing whom to give a present to for the following Christmas Party on the 20th. The present was supposed to range from around 200 to 400 bucks. So we were lined up and picked one by one, we were already free to dismiss ourselves afterwards. While waiting, He was right behind me, as I've only then noticed when He leaned forward, and asked me this in the vernacular language: "What time is it?" That was the first of Him speaking in that way to me. His voice is still as sweet as honey, and with just the same accent that sounds almost sexually arousing. But when He said that this time, I fantasized at every millisecond of Him talking to me at that long-lasting instance. What made it seem like it lasted forever was the eye contact.
♥ As I went to the corridor outside of our homeroom, at a time past our lunch break, I waited for a while until our classroom would be opened. While waiting, I saw Him sitting on a chair right beside the teachers' table, surveying us expressionlessly. It was almost so that He looked rather... sad. I never bothered to make a move that time, since our classmates were there. Some people checked on Him and asked Him questions as to why he wasn't able to be in school before lunch break. I didn't so much as eavesdrop on their conversation, but I was quite sure that amidst his talking to them, there were many intervals when he would look at me.
♥ Near the last day of our taking the Periodic Test we had another lottery picking for the giving of presents, conducted by our adviser herself. This was because a lot of people weren't able to pick last time, so it had to be done after we finished taking the final test on that day. On my turn, I was fingers crossed to pick someone close to me, like Sheila or Francis, only to be extremely shocked to see that I picked... Him. I opened the folded strip of paper and held it close to my face with my hands scooping it so that I could see it clearly, and across it was written His first and last names. Ms. Bunyi, our adviser, was in front of me, and she herself can attest that I did not cheat this. I suppressed a small giggle then, made sure that no one saw it, and gave it back to Ms. Bunyi. When she saw whose name was written on that strip of paper, she raised her left eyebrow, presumably on the knowledge that she knows that I have a crush on Him. (I gave her a different account on the second week of school though, telling her that I was crushing on Julius) At that point of time, the arm-chairs were arranged in a uniformly separate formation so that we would sit on them with accordance to the alphabetical order of our family names. My family name preceded His, so my seat was just a few seats in front of Him. While I was sitting there savoring the moment of knowing that I would have to give something to Him in the Christmas Party, I gingerly checked Him behind me without having to look at Him just to confirm that He does not know that I have chosen Him. I saw that He was still answering that test... so, He doesn't know.
♥ The next two days to follow after the final day of the taking of the tests, which would be a Wednesday and a Thursday (December 14 and 15), are going to have the Intramural events. So we had an early general cleaning of the classroom and the arm-chairs were all laid aside, also because the school's dance group would be using our homeroom as their venue of practice since their competition is almost nearing. During a period of time when we were only waiting for ourselves to be dismissed, I was gingerly looking at the "wish lists" posted right on the door of our homeroom. Those wish lists contained what people would like to get as a Christmas present. In His, I could remember reading "Cherry Mobile", "cash money", "shirt", and a few more that I'd love to be able to remember. I made a purposeful move by asking Amado, one of our classmates, what his favorite color is. I plotted this to see if He would notice and feel bothered, at least if He thought after all that I was the one who would be the person to give Him a present. And He did feel bothered alright. At the moment of asking Amado, He was standing right beside our adviser's desk, looking straight at me with a body language that was drained of all life that was in it. I dared not flinch. For I knew in the end that I would avenge him for making him feel temporarily disappointed. This has been but a means to an end.
♥ December 20th was our Christmas Party, after which is the starting of our break from school. I attired myself in the best that I ever could, with supposedly what gave me the impression of a nerd - as was the theme we had for it. (eventually, my best friend Francis won the award as the person attired with the best costume) He was on his best of appearances. His hair was recently cut, and which then complemented his masculinity. This was presumably so because of the dance competition they recently had. (I felt so sad that He didn't win it...) Anyway, I brought my presents with me, as well as the one I was to give to Ms. Bunyi, our class adviser, for being the most affectionate teacher I've ever had in my history, and for being so tolerant as to have me as her student even if I am both a homosexual and an atheist - a combination that's very ugly to the eyes of the people in this country. I hugged my gift for Him close to myself right before I placed it under the Christmas tree, and after taking pictures of me holding it. I wrote His name in Korean then, as I did with the letter that I inserted in the pocket of my present to Him. I know and remember full well what I wrote to Him in that letter, in hopes that He will someday understand it once He would be able to read Korean characters, and will keep it to my mind. After our feast, our adviser signaled us to get our gifts and prepare giving them to our selected recipients that we picked from the lottery. I held mine very close to myself and imparted every bit of my love to it before I give it to Him. I was near the classroom's window then, and He was at the other side of the classroom right across from me. A few seconds and she told us to stand up and give it to the recipients. I did not move for a while. I was completely stunned, at the thought of what to say when I would already give it to Him. A few steps from where He sat and I retreated a bit, still feeling very shy. So I asked for advice from my kind-hearted classmate Joanna, who happens to be exactly the seventh person to whom I confided about my homosexual feelings, and told me that its alright - that I'll just have to have the strength. So I turned back to the direction of where He sat, and saw that He wasn't there. Thankfully then, I just placed it right on His desk, and immediately got back to my seat. He probably noticed that I was holding it a while ago, which led Him to recognize that I was the one who gave Him that present. So He approached me then and asked me if I was the one who gave Him that, and I replied with a shied "yes". Afterwards, He thanked me and greeted me a Merry Christmas. At this, I blushed so hard and held the present that Welcky gave me (which was a book on Psychology) close to my face so that I could cover up my facial expressions....
♥ When we were free to go, I first went to the restroom before I take my leave. Near the clinic, I saw Him passing, and He saw me. For the second time, He wished me a Merry Christmas, almost with the first smile I saw of Him that was meant for me (it seemed like He always took me seriously back then, so I never get to see such a daring facial expression) That was the very last that I would see of Him at the final days of that 2011. But after what He said, I would feel contented and would really miss Him for fifteen whole days.
♥ Two weeks passed and it was already January 4th, the day of the resumption of classes. My Christmas vacation wasn't that much of something worth the while, but I did enjoy the wait that it took to see Him again. He was wearing a red-striped sleeveless jacket - the one that I gave to him as a Christmas present! The whole day I kept to myself avoiding Him. It immediately reminded me that I had a letter inserted to the pocket of that jacket just a month ago, one which summarizes how I feel for Him in Korean characters. In my efforts of avoiding Him there came an instance when, finally, I struck eye-to-eye with Him while he was right beside the teacher's desk in front and I was on my seat. It lasted extremely fast - I withdrew my face from Him exactly at the time when we reached that point of contact. His face shone every bit of that boyishness that I like about Him. I held my sight of Him only long enough for me to remember it once again as I slept the night after that day cuddling my pillow with such tight embrace...
♥ Two things happened in the 4th of January. The one mentioned above was only the second to happen, right after this one. In that day, as we passed off our greetings with our teacher, whom we missed so much, we had an activity similar to the one we did on the August of 2011. But this time, we never have to write hurtful words about our classmates. It was all about compliments then, we only have to write about the goodness that we see in our classmates and what improvements we now see in them compared from what we saw before. As it was now 2012, I figured that this was essential to knowing how people newly perceive of us. Fifteen days have been much, so our thoughts about each other as classmates should rightfully be refreshed. We formed a huge circle then, and I was right beside my best friend Francis and a girl named Hannah. The manner of passing it was like before, in that we were to give them to the person beside us after our teacher indicates it, but this time it was on a counter-clockwise basis. Since Hannah was on my right side, she would be the first to receive my paper. He was right across me then, to the other side of the classroom. As moments passed I was able to fill in most of the papers that I received, only leaving a few blank either because I still had nothing to say about such person or I was out of time and a new paper has to be filled. When I received His paper, I felt so... numb. Thoughts were all over my head, so much that I was literally unable to pick from any one of them. My ideas of him which were very many conflicted with what I should write. I remember that I was able to write something on Him last August, but now I just couldn't. I was crouching on my knees as all the excitation I had in me from writing about my classmates are completely drained. As I tried to put my pen on the surface of His paper, its neatness gone from all the passing people have done to it, it ended so as I only lifted it up again immediately. Eventually, our teacher indicated us to pass the papers and I did just that with a heart broken into half. When we finally received our respective papers, I tried to read mine privately. It had every good thing on it, I guess. A lot of people wrote "smart", still the same from what they wrote last August. But again, the highlight which comes from Him, was in four words... Four meaningful words, at the very bottom of my paper, in the same type of script writing that he uses with his left hand, that they may be able to sum up to a thousand. What he wrote to me, with a smiley right at the end of it, was... "too many to share".