I just woke up from the most emotional dream. I dreamed that I had just found out I was pregnant a couple weeks, about a month, prior. I had become pregnant in Arizona, I did not want anything to do with the father. Some sort of one night stand, I assume. So I was beginning to become attached to the idea of having this baby growing inside of me. I also started acting very hormonal. At some point I realized that I wasn't even going to be able to drink on my 21st birthday, so I lashed out and cried and threw a fit like a child. I was being comforted by my best friend, which I think started out as Marisa and then became Olivia, which is rather representational of my psyche. At some point I pulled out a big ol' 8ball of coke. The bag was broken and it was sifting onto the ground, so I put it over my hand and licked up the remains. I knew I shouldn't be doing coke because I was pregnant, but my thought process was that I was only within the first couple weeks and it didn't make a difference. So I was about to do some lines. There were two other boys in the room, one a buzzed out hippie type I didn't know, the other Donovan, a very old friend of mine who I'm not on any sort of terms with anymore. I believe Donovan was supposed to be the brother of my best friend. What a strange dream this was.... Anyway, just as I'm about to pour out some lines for us, a mom stands in the doorway and says something.
Then all of the sudden I'm with my mother, and the remainder of my dream was King of the Hill themed. My second King of the Hill dream, by the way. I can't quite remember the evolution of these events, but some guy came up to me who wasn't my dad, but I think was supposed to be my father in the dream. He looked sad, holding a pregnancy test, and he said that he did a chemical test with all my urine, and it turns out I'm not pregnant.
To my surprise, I immediately starting screaming and crying. I was so so sad. I denied it, saying I had taken dozens of pregnancy tests and it must be a mistake. He said it was not. I cried and cried and screamed in agony. I felt a loss in my stomach, like a death in the family. Even though it turned out I was never pregnant in the first place, I feel like this situation was more like having a miscarriage. I had already begun to bond with the seed in my belly, and then it was gone. I wailed and wept with a pain in my heart I've never felt before, not even in the mortal world.
Boomhauer ran up to my mother and and screamed that there were fighter planes ready to attack, we had to run to his basement. We all dashed down as fast as we could, but my mom was unbelieving. She was convinced the fighter planes were just out for some military purpose, even though on the news it said these planes had already shot something down. Just then, we look out the glass wall to the ocean, and see fighter planes above. They are circling a sinking cruise ship! My mom looks at me in disbelief and shock, grabs my arm, and we run as fast as we can down to the basement. She steers me over to the Buddha shrine, and I ask her if we are going to pray to Buddha now. We sit behind the enormous golden Buddha for a moment, until I turn to her and ask her if she's heard the news. I immediately start weeping again, and say, "it turns out I'm not pregnant after all".... I start to sob and throw myself into her arms, she puts them around me and pats me on the back and says some comforting words. Even in my dream I was surprised at how sad this news made me, I should have been relieved I wasn't going to have this bastard child at my age. But no, the sorrow inside of my heart chakra was deep and mournful.
Let's just say I've never had a pregnancy dream where I wasn't overcome with joy to be pregnant. The feelings I feel in these dreams are powerful enough to leave a serious lasting effect on my once I'm awake. The happiness I feel is unmatched.