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should I stay or should I go?

Last night I was still awake at 3AM, laying in bed with thoughts about my life swirling in my mind. I'm staying at a temporary caretaking gig and the unfamiliar location on the 23rd floor high above Toronto's busy Bay street (and the loud oxygen machine of the person I'm taking care of) made it difficult to relax.

I'm pondering moving back to British Columbia in August even though I don't have a job lined up I haven't saved up much money. There's a possible opportunity to stay long term for free in Victoria, and I'm keeping my eyes on the housesit network I belong to as well, as I might prefer other places in the province.

I have faith I'll know what to do (and it's not quite time to decide yet) but I think about this a lot. Sometimes I think it would be better to stay here and make money for a little longer, sometimes I feel compelled to BAIL NOW!!

One big thing in Toronto that I wonder about whether I should leave is the band I've been playing in. I'm the drummer. I have really enjoyed playing drums regularly and have put quite a bit of time and effort into the project.

We have a whole album's worth of songs but our bass player recently quit, so we haven't gigged yet. The music is interesting but dark (our 19 year old singer has another semi-ironic project that she says is about "life is BS") and that's not really in alignment with WHO I AM however I thought I'd go through with the project while I'm here just to see what happens and to keep in practice. The other band members have also become friends of mine, though I wouldn't call them evolved or enlightened. Leaving them would be like breaking up with someone but more so.

(Meanwhile, I'm writing folk songs about how much I miss BC and meditation.)

So when I finally fell asleep last night, the guitar player & leader of the band showed up in a dream and revealed himself to be quite sinister. I do not recall what was said exactly, but I remember having a "eureka!" moment.

I am unsure if this was dream guidance or just a reflection of my inner concerns.

Typing up this entry makes me realize it is very likely a bit of both.

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