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Can't Stand the Fluttering

09/03/11 - I'm walking across town to meet up with M at his house. As I walk through downtown my leg starts to cramp up and it becomes more and more difficult to walk, and it's very painful. I struggle as I walk underneath a covered street, passing many clothing shops. A blonde girl is near me and she ends up walking behind me for a long way. I'm leaving downtown now and getting closer to the house and she's still behind me - I think about asking her if she's following me, but just then she crosses the street.

I arrive at the house and there are a lot of people outside, like reporters, and they start bombarding me with questions about the house and what I plan to do with it. M comes to the door and pulls me in, telling me not to worry about them. He says he'll take care of them later. I start to tell him how hard it was to get to him, and how painful the walk over was.

We go upstairs to the main part of the house, which is a big open room. There's a woman here, and I can't remember who she is exactly but she "feels" like my aunt Anne. As I walk into the room I see a big moth flying around - it's like one of those hummingbird moths that fly really fast. It's making me really nervous (I've had a phobia of moths since I was a kid), and I watch it as it flies around the ceiling fan. I'm simultaneously concerned that it will get killed by the blades and I also secretly hope that it will. It's the erratic way that it flies, and the fluttering, and the thought of its dusty wings that scare me. I try to ignore it and go to sit down at the dining room table with the woman while M is opening the refrigerator.

I ask M, "You don't happen to have a mocha almond chip cookie, do you?" in a cute way. He laughs and says "I do, actually!" We all get a good laugh out of this and he gives me the cookie. I am still trying to ignore the moth flying around the room, but it's really distracting.

A little while later I'm sitting in the middle of the room on a blanket next to M, and my mom, sister, and brother are also on the blanket. Joe is interacting with Facebook on a laptop or something, and he's making a post that says "Miss peeing in a pod." Which I think refers to him missing his place in Hawaii, where he uses a composting toilet. He seems sad to be here and I think he really just wants to be back in Hawaii.

My mom and sister are talking to each other and are pretty oblivious to the rest of us. My dad is also here, but he's up in the kitchen with my grandpa Jesse (now dead). M is picking up on my feelings of sadness and thinks it's because I don't think he should be here. He asks if it would be better if he was gone, and I try to reassure him that I'm really glad he's here and that he's like family, too. I tell him that the thing that I'm upset about the most is that nobody is talking to each other. Everyone is just talking amongst themselves and it's like we're not even in the same room.

My grandpa and I make eye contact across the room. He says, "Hey Buttercup. You look just like your father. Good thing you've got that makeup on." It's really sweet and kind of insulting at the same time.

buttercup
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