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8 years ago
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What a Mess...

Disorganized. At work. Trying to stock and get everything in its proper place. Everything is a disaster. I can't find anything and I'm painfully aware that time is running out. I sense that things are in a rapid state of entropy. Even as I hurriedly try to fix the mess, I notice things falling back to disarray as I turn my attentions to other things.
I recognize the parallels of these feelings/activities with what's going on in my waking world. I've had a busy couple of days, making room in my life for a visit from John E. It's been 5 years and many personal revolutions since I last saw him.
I was scared that seeing him once again would bring back the pain that has resounded over the years following our difficult break-up.
I think I wanted him to see how much has changed; how much I've changed. I wanted him to see me as my true self, rather than the me I tried to be when I was around him. That was really scary. I felt vulnerable and felt like I was admitting to defeat. Like having to say, "Yeah, you're right. I really _am_ the hippy you always accused me of being."
But it felt good to stand my ground and feel like I had nothing to hide or apologize for.
I feel like the dream represents my trying to uphold a state of being that was unnatural, unsustainable, and ultimately doomed. I was surprised about the lack of emotional vibrancy. Despite the stress of the situation, I didn't find myself having feelings of sadness, regret, victim-hood, anger, or lack of confidence.

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