The dream went on for quite a while, but my memory picks up as the strife began. I was late for school, needing to catch a train. I was frantically pulling everything together that I would need, but just as I finished packing, I checked the time and though the train station was a 5 minute walk away, the train was about to leave at that moment. I called to my dad for him to drive me down there. It was so close, I didn't think it would be a big ordeal. But his wife did not appreciate my needing his help in that moment. I felt a pang of what Keira must feel like when Dan's attentions to her interfere with my desire for his presence. The feeling was awful.
I begged dad and he said it would be fine, but he was being really slow in grabbing his keys and other stuff he needed. I reminded him that seconds count and that the more time he took, the further he'd have to drive me to catch up with the train en route. As we were finally on the road, I was in his van, which was vacuous and filled with people. I shouted out, "Are there any physicists in the room? If so, can someone figure out: if a train is travelling at an average of 50mph and has a distance of x miles to travel, what time will it arrive at its destination?"
I don't know if I ever got an answer, but my memory ends there.
Picks up again further into the dream.
I was high up in the mountains. The vista was unimaginable. There was a town there, that had been taken over by festies for the weekend. There were so many hippies running around, we were finding wood and bone earrings in the dust all over the place. Apparently people were having a hard time keeping their jewelry on. I also found a whole lot of necklaces in the sand. They were gorgeous, with fancy stones - the likes of some I've never seen. I decided to keep one of the necklaces, with the idea that if anyone who saw me wearing it said hey, that's mine, I'd happily relinquish it back to them.
I'm not sure if I was planning on tattooing some people there, but for some reason I had all my equipment with me, as well as all of the money, all of the photos I own and a whole lot of valuable keepsakes. It dawned on me that I was in a vulnerable position because I didn't have anywhere safe to keep all these valuables and I was vaguely aware that by being up here, we were hiding from someone/s who knew we had it and wished to take it away. I probably had $8-10,000 in cash, which was my life savings.
Dan found me and told me that the people who were looking for us had arrived and that we needed to leave very quietly and secretly. I started to pull together all my things, needing to run to the room that we were staying in to grab the last of it. When I came out, we were seconds from departing and I had a feeling of relief that we managed to avoid disaster. But just then we were stopped by the people who were looking for us. I had an armload of manila envelopes, containing my tattoo machines, all of the stencils for my future tattoos, photos, keepsakes, and of course, envelopes of cash. We told the people that we didn't have any money and that we needed to catch a train, but they didn't buy it. They snatched my envelopes away and started pulling stuff out. I screamed, "Please! Don't pull those out, you could ruin them! I'll give you the money, please!" The woman did stop and I reached into one of the envelopes to pull out a smaller one, containing a few hundred dollars. I surrendered this to her, but when she saw how much it was, she laughed and continued going through the other envelopes. I was crying and honestly felt like I was being raped. The violation and vulnerability of having my life in someone else's hands was intense.
She found the other envelopes containing money. One by one she'd pull them out and ask me what was in them. I didn't want to tell the truth, but I didn't want to lie either, because she would just open them and see that I was lying. I muttered and looked away as she discovered the rest of my money. She took it all and absconded with my drawings as well. She and her crew walked away from me and I was hysterical. I was screaming at her will everything that I have. "You can't do this! That money was for my family! Think how many lives you're ruining by taking that away! It took my life to save that. You're leaving me with nothing. My whole family will die, please, you can't take that!" She just kept walking. I followed her. "Listen to me, I have a gun. So does Daniel. (We did, too) But I'm not going to use it. Do you hear me? I could kill you right now but I'm not going to, so can't you please just give me back my things?" Then she was gone. And I was left with nothing. Even Dan disappeared. My life felt over.
There was still a festival going on and lots of people around. But none of them knew what had just happened and none of them would understand. I was lost and hopeless, milling about, not sure what to do next. My extended family was there and I reached out to them for help. I was frantic and desperate, livid at my circumstances. They looked at me and none of them wanted to help. They said I had gone the way of my mother. (She's been angry and unstable in their eyes for many years and has estranged herself from them because of it.) That only made me more mad because I had intended to use that money to help take care of them. Now they didn't believe me and were calling me crazy.
The feeling I had in the dream just then was one of utter despair. It was so vacuous and void of hope or love. I was completely alone and destitute, with no future to speak of. Just then a song came over the speakers which is one of my favorite songs of all time - Loess. I stumbled to the edge of a very high cliff, hearing these sweet, melodic tones, feeling like if I ended my life, at least I would be free from the hardship. At the edge, I looked down, only to see that it was a popular cliff face for extreme bmx bikers. They were taking turns hopping the edge and trying extreme maneuvers. When they crashed, they just rolled down, unscathed. I realized I would have a hard time killing myself here. I stepped away from the edge, desperate as ever, and collapsed on the rocks. I was apparently in the middle of a trail because people were stepping over and around me. I could hear them muttering to themselves, "what's her deal?" but no one stopped to ask. I recognized some girls from high school who I wasn't great friends with. I was miserable and when they saw me, they brushed me off saying, "She was always so depressed. Looks like she hasn't changed a bit." I wanted to scream at them; to prove them wrong. But how could I explain to them how far I'd come - that I'd had everything I'd ever wanted from life up until a few moments ago. Then it had been stolen from me and now I had nothing.
The immensity of the empty sadness of this dream can only be matched by a dream I had many many years ago, in which I had been shot and left for dead on a downtown sidewalk at dawn. As the day picked up, the streets filled with busy-ness. But no one stopped to ask if I was okay. They just stepped over me or walked around. I was so near death, so weak I couldn't ask for help, but no one seemed to care. This is how this dream felt.
When I was left with Nothing...
