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almost 11 years ago
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He Loves Her, not Me...

In my dream I was walking around Greenlake and decided to drop by James' house to pick up chocolates on the way. I was nervous of "catching him in action" with someone else but I thought maybe I was just being paranoid.
I arrived and let myself in. The house was very different, both in arrangement and in actual construction. I saw a truck pulling around in back and through the window, could see that Christy was driving it. She looked really happy and immediately I knew what was going on.
James came up to the door and let himself in. I didn't want to be awkward, so I started rifling through the fridge, looking for the chocolates. When he came in, he paid little attention to the potential awkwardness of the situation and I pretended like everything was totally casual. Then Christy came in. I said hi but she barely acknowledged me.
I realized I was going to have to make cookies or something with the extra mushrooms, so I went about doing it as quickly and efficiently as I could. I didn't know my way around the kitchen very well and kept having to ask for help in finding things. James wasn't being very accommodating in his help and Christy was making me feel stupid and awkward.
As I was hunting around for utensils and ingredients, I started taking notice of all the ways the house had changed. Christy had put a lot of attention into decorating and placing crystals and creating good energy flow. The house was really nice, in truth.
It also dawned on me that Christy and James were talking sweetly to one another and I realized that they were solid as a couple again and not just hanging out together. Finally I broke. The floodgates opened. I literally cornered James and let my feelings fly. I was trying to t speak only rationally and reserve for him the most poignant comments, but it wasn't happening that way. My frustration was spilling out like and automated response. I was pissed. I was yelling and on the verge of tears. I was calling him names. "Maybe if you would have fucking called me, I would have known. I feel like I've been going crazy for 3 weeks! At least you're not messed up in drugs. You lied to me - You said you were busy - You led me on. You stupid bastard. I feel abandoned! I thought you cared about me."
He stayed present and took it - every word. Christy was right beside me and at first she felt defensive of him, but then as I described how his not calling me made me feel, and how being lied to made me feel, she began to sympathize with me because she had felt that with him too. I told him everything, and in very elementary, carnal language which felt good because I wasn't over-thinking it - very authentic. When I was done, I found myself walking away. Christy followed, James behind her. We were in the alley behind the house when I turned to her.
I told her that I wasn't mad at her and I have a lot of respect for her and I love that she'd made the house really homey. They walked me back inside. I told Christy that seeing the house like this and seeing the energy that she brought to it made me realize I have a long way to go - much to learn. I'm not ready for this level of a committed relationship. That feeling was compounded when she told me that she and James were trying for a baby and may have already succeeded.
I felt like shit. I felt hurt, rejected, disgusted, let-down, pained; a walking tragedy. But I sat with it. I let it be. I didn't let it kill me. We walked back in the house and I decided it was time to get out of there.
I asked where my chair was and James showed me the corner to which it had been relegated. I saw Chloe and cuddled with her for a moment. She was appreciative. I listened to how Christy and James spoke with one another and acted together and realized they were well matched. I felt bad because I didn't feel worthy in her presence. She was so strong as/in herself. She could stand up to him and he respected the challenge.
I grabbed the chocolates and began counting them out. I looked up to see Christy and James cuddling on the couch only it wasn't James, it was my dad. I realized I was having to accept the fact that he loved her, not me (!) ouch.
As I woke from the dream, I didn't want to love the beauty of the house or the strength I witnessed in Christy. I want to learn to be like her - standing strong on her own, even in a relationship; strong character and personality. Unfortunately as a consequence, I paled in comparison. I was flat; one dimensional, frail of substance, despite my efforts to have been otherwise. I want to retain the intentionaliy that she brought to the house, through decoration and feng shui. When I'm at James' house, I feel like a visitor. Here, Christy was a co-creator.

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