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In India, close to death

I lived in a large city in India with Joshua. I was getting a procedure done at a small clinic hospital within some kind of dormitory recovery spiritual center. It wasn't a serious procedure. I think it might have been something simple like getting or having removed an iud. Everyone slept in their own bed and men and women couldn't sleep together even if they were a couple. After the procedure, while in bed, after I woke up, a group of doctors and professors from the school of alternative medicine I had attended, who had also just performed the minor surgery, stood around the foot of my bed. The tension was thick enough for me to notice. They stood there silent, catching each other's gaze here and there, trying to decide who should say something first.

I became deathly worried at first but then my humor came out hoping I was wrong. I said "what you're here to inform me of the update of all the energy points in the body?!" One of the men looked at me with surprise, compassion, inspiration, and a sense of sadness at the same time. Fuck. They never actually said anything, but without words they did pretty much let me know that something was wrong with me. Either the procedure caused it or the procedure led them to it. They didn't know how much time I had; I was probably going to die very soon. Suddenly I realized I still felt sort of ill still. (I have been feeling ill for 5 days now in life)

This really got me thinking. One of the main things I wanted to do was get pregnant asap, and with twin girls. I wasn't sure I was going to make it to 9 months, but I wanted to try just in case a miracle happened. It felt important to me to continue on after death, through my children. I wanted my spiritual knowledge and wisdom to be carried on by my own.

On a different day I asked one of the staff members of the facility if Joshua could sleep with me. They said no, as I figured because men and women weren't allowed to sleep together. I proceeded by asking "yeah, but he's my boyfriend." "No", the person replied. Then I asked if he could snuggle with me in my bed. While asking I was trying to imagine how we could get away with making sex look like snuggling. My mind was hard at work to try and fulfill this incredible yearning I felt to procreate. The staff said that was okay.

It was scary going about my day and night, not knowing when my time would come and I certainly felt ill. A deeper part of me felt totally at peace with dying. I even spent time regularly in meditation, imagining what it would be like, how I'd feel before, during, and after. I was training myself to be calm, to surrender to the process of crossing over. I would imagine different scenarios of "the other side" as a way of preparing myself.

At one point Joshua handed me a booklet, a highly spiritual type of manual that had the words "reincarnation" on the cover. We stared at each other, non-verbally acknowledging the reality of my near death. A sadness and bitterness filled the air. It was a difficult moment for us. He was just trying to offer his support. I willingly continued to face what was soon to come for me. It was a strange feeling to live with through the day.

Joshua's parents were going to a wedding an hour away. I didn't fit in their car so they lent me another car. For some reason Joshua wasn't with me. I think he was still sleeping and didn't want to get up. I was indecisive for a while and then made up my mind to go. I followed Ava & Lewis for 15min, at which point I convinced Joshua on the phone to come with me. I turned around to pick him up, even though we'd probably be late to the wedding and risk missing the reception.

On my way back to pick Joshua up I got into an accident. I became unconscious for some moments and then found myself on the black asphalt to the right of the car. I thought I was going to die, I felt so ill and dazed. I made it home, picked up Joshua, and on the way we ran into a bad neighborhood with narrow back streets and alleys. A couple guys began to chase us. They had a gun. We stopped the car and ran for our lives to the top of some giant boxes that made up a building. We were almost murdered, but got away. We re-entered our car and took off toward the wedding.

On the way Joshua realized he had to go to work. He was ranting about how he was trying to be a responsible person by going to a job and being on time. I wanted to support him so I dropped him off at his work, which was a low paying job at some restaurant or something. I was sad that going to work was more important than being with me during this unpredictable and difficult time, but I didn't want to let him know because he seemed so clear.

joshua
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