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Hero In Death

The dream comes after the end of an extraordinary evening of reading some Adi Da Samraj. While I am contemplating some particularly compelling passage, an epiphany occurs, and I suddenly realize (not just as a thought, tho as an actual lasting realization and shift in perception) the certain inevitability of my body-mind death. *Everything* suddenly becomes very clear: a veil upon the face of life is revealed, and she breathes a sweet breath of lucidity upon me. Then a few real moments pass as I explore even more subtle revelations into the prior-condition of all of this … consciousness … Some unseen illumination within the ultimate background emerges … and then I gracefully wait and drift into sleep …

...

In dream then: it is night, and I am with my good friend Tadas (who first introduced me to Adi Da years ago). We are driving in a van along some long road thru the desert, somewhere near the border of California and Nevada. Tadas has heroin with him, and we take some and trip all night. It feels incredible (tho I've never done it in waking life, I feel like the sensation of it in the dream is true). We are on our way to some unknown destination. Tadas is driving the van, and he decides to take some shortcut on a rugged road across some hazardous terrain. I ask Tadas if he is sure about going this way (as it seems risky and reckless to me), and he insists that it is the way to go. About half way up this road, we come to a road block. Tadas simply pushes his foot on the gas, accelerates, and barrels thru successfully … !

Then the dream shifts, and I find myself at a house (still at night, and somehow kind of half indoors-outdoors). I am eating more heroin. The heroin is a white paste in a white styrofoam cup, and I am eating it with my fingers.. The effects of the heroin begin to become very strong, and it feels extraordinary. Eating more of the white heroin paste is nearly irresistible, like eating the essence of "whiteness" itself, and so I keep eating more and more. As I become even more incredibly *high*, I also become slightly concerned that I might have eaten too much, and that it might kill me. Tho, somehow, I am also entirely surrendered to the experience. By some maturity of conscious awareness, and by the effect of the substance itself, surrender becomes the most natural thing to become. And so I become so very relaxed, and increasingly more high, that there is no reason to resist anything. Then the effect of the high allows me to see by some type of extraordinary perception: the union of life and death and space and time as a single something--represented as a completely undifferentiated void of infinite darkness before me. While the void is completely dark and absent of light, it is overly full with potent meaning--so potent and full--it's as if the absolute darkness is also absolute whiteness that cannot yet be seen. My willful surrender deepens toward an absolute degree, as I waft back and forth across the threshold of life and death, like washing in the deep ocean waves … not knowing where I might resolve at any moment.

My mother arrives to the house. She comes to sit next to me on a soft couch (to my right), and begins talking with me … tho I am unable to respond, as I am still so high! She continues to chat with me calmly and enjoyably, just happy to be with me … as I stare outward into the beautiful and full darkness, and navigating the void of pure exterior-interior awe. What she is saying--I have no idea, as the profundity of my experience makes whatever content of the conversation pretty much insignificant, almost inaudible. Tho her presence with me I know is entirely significant. And in reverence for her, I feel I should somehow balance my own intense process with the process of sharing presence with her in the room. While I am only a bit concerned that I might pass to the other side at any moment--and I am completely surrendered to this--she is either not concerned at all, or is not aware of what is going on with me. I am mostly concerned for her if I am about to die in her presence, as well as concerned for her knowing how high I am while I am sitting next to her. So I kind of have this thought of "Wow--I should really do my best not to let mom get any sense of how profoundly intense I feel right now, and if I can, I should really try to not die for her sake." Tho I am in such a profoundly overwhelming love-bliss-void state, I don't think I could hide anything even if I wanted to. So I am surrendered to this also: loving her, loving myself, loving the state I am in, not attached to any outcome, loving all as much as possible. She may also be aware of all of this, and is just being present anyway (she is a very loving and accepting woman). Ultimately, I am loving this opportunity to be in the graceful presence of potential death with the very person who also delivered me into life.

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