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Kundalini chronicles and confessions of a crackhead

I write this so that my story may live on in the event of my death. For I feel stretched so thin that i could perish at any moment. I can't seem to stop the kundalini. I can hardly sleep. I cannot rest. Every moment becomes excruciating. One panics when under the pressure and heat of such a powerful and unforgiving force. Am I responsible for putting myself under it? Yes. Am I to blame? No. My episodes of terror and fear seem completely beyond my control in the moment, but I know that I have the ability to diffuse them somewhat ,but more so prevent them. However once the kundalini gets going I'm hooked! There's no turning back. Ride it out and meet the force or be obliterated. I had trouble believing at first but feel it and know it as fAct- if one were to give in or slip up for just a second, they would be ripped from this life and hurled into dissolution. The reset button. As I hang on for dear life time moves slowly around me. Death is near. I appear to be okay on the surface but I am engaged in an epic battle of will. I question myself... Why continue on? Everything seems so empty and my goals seem too far away. Plus the pain it costs to simply take the next breath is so substantial. I continue on.. Regardless. Hoping that one day I will find eternal peace and freedom. I just don't know if I will make it. I feel tough as nails. I can endure anything with my will power. I could survive the strike of a deadly snake. But do I want to? Is it really worth it? To be great is great but when you have no one to share it with there's really not much point. WILL I make it through the day? I don't know. The intensity builds and I'm raging for ascension. I feel unulfilled and I will rip my own spine out the top of my head before I will continue on living the way I'm living. I want more... I've seen bright lights and won't settle for anything less than spectacular. I must confess- I have an addiction. I like to get cracked out on prana and trash my body with it. I feel so intensely, so alive!! There's nothing more exhilarating than wrestling with snakes* I love it. Yet I hate myself for it. I feel sorry for myself and I worry for myself. Sometimes I am completely stripped of any shred of comfort- I feel no warmth whatsoever and then I question why am I still living? Life is all about joy, it's what keeps us going. I guess I like to experiment with what life would be like without joy. It's the epitome of despair. I see ghouls on the wall . Haunted by demons. Sometimes I lose control and darkness steps in. I'm in awe of it. It's very moving. But I hate it- so I keep on breathing- keep doing power poses. I'm on the verge of a mental break.!..and I breathe through it .....70 different times throughout the night. The power play is breathtaking. I feel so deep inside myself, so strong, yet so humble. I'm marching through unknown, uncharted territories of my consciousness. Boy am I jumpy. I'm more terrified of LIFE than I am of death. I endure colossal levels of fear. Ancestral spirits merge with me to remind me that I'm not the first one to tread these waters. Many have made it much farther than I. They show me the way. They lead by example and teach me how to be. The light fills my every nook. I have beautiful visions of the heavens in starlight. I'm not just seeing images- I'm feeling a profound
Connection to my divinity and having an exquisite experience. But even that feels cold...meaningless. For I crave human connection . So much resistance to it though- so much pain I doubt I will ever succeed. I think I flush myself with prana to try and speed things up so that I can deepen my human relations. Power play is a game of it's own but no substitute for love. Personal power can be ammunition or it can turn into cream filling. It all depends on how it's used. But watch out- it will use you if you don't strap it down .

I'm a kundalini addict and I must confess- the tension it creates cannot be spoken of. The highs it brings cannot be matched. I'm like a baby eagle that wants to be hatched, but I forget that the dinosaurs are still intact.
Sent from my iPhone

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