Back in 2011, shortly after i started my path as a shaman, I was going through a rough patch in life. The situation and environment i found myself in seemed unbearable. On this particular day that i am writing about, it felt as if my soul was being ripped apart. I was in utter distress as i drudged through the cloudy day. It was an epic mission just to put one foot in front of the other. Times were tough. I felt doom and gloom. Undoubtedly I was making things rough on myself. I was pushing myself, challenging myself in every opportunity I saw. I had recently whipped myself out of my comfort zone. I felt as if I had nothing left to cling to- exposed and vulnerable out in the abyss. I had recently and very abruptly, might I add, become Fruitarian, eating nothing but fruit and green leaves. When you follow a diet such as this, there is nowhere to hide from your emotions, and you are very receptive to your environment whether you like it or not. It was like the defensive brick wall that I had built up over my whole life had been blown to pieces...causing an avalanche of hard truth, and emotion to crash down upon me.
So, on this one night, I decided to go outside and dance my power animal, like i had been doing a few nights per week over the past 2 months. As I walked outside, my emotions felt like they were grinding my insides. I knew that I had to continue my practice... I felt like it was the key to transcending my pain. I began to dance, and slowly went into trance. I was using my hard feelings to fuel me, to motivate me. I began to quicken the pace. As I got more and more lifted, fear began to creep over me. I opened my eyes to make sure I wasnt about to dance off into a bush. WHen i turned my head, I saw something supernatural out of my eye corner. I screamed out loud and jumped back as a wave of fear swept over me. It practically knocked the wind out of me. The apparition disappeared when I tried to get a better look. Still, there were moving shadows in my peripherals. I immediately closed my eyes again and continued dancing, furiously jumping and hopping around the pavement with my rattle. 50,000 volts of passion and fear lit up my body. Adrenaline. Intensity like I had never experienced before. Every hair on me was standing straight up in the air. Chills washed right through to my bones. I felt, and vaguely saw the presence of numerous beings around me- watching me spill my heart out to this dance. I felt so lifted that I was afraid that either one of these beings would pop into my reality, or that I would pop into THEIRS. But what TRULY frightened me... (and I knew it at the time)... was my own power that I had just uncovered.
I danced so hard that I would have given Michael Jackson a run for his money. Seriously... I began to tire and stopped when I started to lose balance from fatigue. Panting, heart racing, drenched in sweat, I now walked in circles with my arms stretched up to the sky- beckoning for the spirits to notice me- to hear my call. When i turned to face the west, there was a large tree in front of me. Like topiary, the entire foliage was shaped into a large cobra head, bearing his teeth. A rush of excitement. An accomplishment. A new ally presented itself to me. I began to shake my rattle like a rattlesnake would shake its tail. I waited for an answer, an explanation. Anything coming from this sprit.........but nothing came. Just doubt, and distracting thoughts. The desperation from the day began to sink in. The pain, and sorrow began to take hold. I had found this ally but he would not speak to me. However, his silence did speak for itself- I still had a long way to go. Tears began streaming down my face. I began returning to reality, and found that my feelings of torment had increased. I had never experienced so much stress in my life. It was like I could neither fight nor flight, and the alarms inside of me were only getting louder. I doubted that I could at all continue on with my life. I wanted to just drop over dead and move on. I wanted to 'go home' , to source. However, I wasnt going to commit suicide, so in my mind there was only one thing left to do. YELL! I filled my lungs all the way and screamed as loud as I could, for as long as I could. Tears were running down my face like waterfalls. Still rattling, and still staring at the cobra, I continued to scream at the top of my lungs, just like that. As loud as I could , and as long as I could, with each breath. My wife quickly came running out to the backyard to investigate. As i recall, she stood behind me with her hands on my shoulders. There was no way I could stop- this was between me and god, and I wasnt backing down. I continued to scream for quite some time. My screams got quieter and raspier with each shout, until nothing but a whisper escaped my lips. I continued to rattle and hyperventilate. My legs felt wobbly, and i dropped to my knees- still staring at this cobra. I thought to myself over and over "Why me? Why does it have to be so difficult?" I began to feel very tired and weak. My arm literally could no longer shake the quarter pound rattle in my hand. It fell to the ground, and my body quickly followed suit. Then, I began to sob, although the tears stopped falling because I was so dehydrated.
My wife kneeled down and took my head into her arms, comforting me. She was the only reason I was still alive at that point. On the hard pavement I lay. The cold crept in as my clothes were soaking wet- I looked up at the stars and whispered aloud "Why me?" Feeling so victim to the circumstances that presented themselves to me- so wounded and bruised by this world.
Suddenly, I had a Divine Moment of Truth. A quiet voice sounded in my head. "Because this is who you are. You chose this path, this life." A rainbow colored jester face appeared in the sky and grinned at me with wide eyes- a crazed look in his face.The undeniable truth presented itself to me. This jester was a representation of me. I was receiving deep insight into my spiritual self. I put myself through hell. My role in this life is that of a healer, a shaman. I chose to suffer immensely so that I may help humanity. I chose to take a blow, so to speak, for the sake of others. I was assured that all my pain was serving my higher purpose. I had seen this for myself, just moments ago. The most stressful day of my life had motivated me to go farther and harder than ever in my dance. I could see that through all this suffering, would emerge a powerful servant of the light. I had landed in a place of torture so that others wouldn't have to.
A tough pill to swallow, but it gave me some consolation. Although the torment remained, a deep sense of peace set in. A sense of fulfillment. I knew now my life purpose, and that I was following it. Jeanne informed me that the police had shown up at the door WHILE I was still yelling, on a call from the neighbors. She told them that I was having a bad day, and they said that they could understand, and left. The next day, I woke up with a gnarly sore throat. A result of my exhaustion and yelling. I remember that the sore throat was the start of a period of illness that lasted for 2 weeks.
Those were very difficult times, but it has made me who I am today. In this lifetime, I walk the high road- the treacherous path. It may appear to someone else that I have it 'made' or that things just come easy to me- but hear me now: I have suffered and struggled a great deal to get to the place I am at now. A war still rages within me- a war that will ultimately lead me, and in turn, others, to grace.
