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Silent Sufi Retreat

Part of the Sufi practice is to go on retreats, during which you meditate in solitude. This was my first retreat, and it lasted for twelve hours. My sacred intention: to embody the joy of diligence in the physical realms. As my spiritual "sponsor" for this retreat I pick Pir-o Murshid Hazrat Inayat Khan. Rumi, however, keeps appearing when I close my eyes. Oh Mevlana!

My sheik Hafizullah, greets me in the morning by handing me a quart of chai and laughing. (The chai is so strong that I cut each cup in half with milk!) He has printed out a syllabus of wazifas (Sufi mantras) and the number of their repetitions, which alternate with breath practices and music meditations. He has also printed out a diagram of the Lata'if, which are energy centers similar to chakras, some instructions on special breath practices, and a beautiful depiction of a celestial blue Tara, floating on a lotus in the mountains of heaven, between water and moon. It looks to me as if she has wings.

I thought that my retreat would involve a lot of pain and crying and "burning through" the hard stuff. But for the majority of the time I was awash with peace and thoughless bliss. Smiling like butter, smiling into the warmth of the face of the One I love. Smiling into my own reflection floating all around me.

My collective body is a pyramid of light; a rainbow grid runs up it, as do lines of geometric flowers. As my attention focuses towards the top point, I see that my energy field is a torus. Running up through me, cycling down into the earth, I am a waterfall washing myself, I am a tree who does not experience himself as separate from the earth or sky. For a moment I crave donuts.

I am focusing on a photo of Pir-o Murshid, and he reaches his right hand to me, calling me Taj Jamil. From within I know that beginning with me and my children, our new family name will be Jamil. Shortly thereafter he says, "Taj Inayat," who is one of the senior teachers in our order.

Pir-o Murshid's face shifts many times while I am meditating. I see my friend Akbar's face, and this is the one time during the retreat that I cry, the tears passing quickly like misty rain amongst cherry blossoms. "You have given me so much strength," I tell him. And in doing this I become aware of how interconnected we are, that when we work on ourselves we offer something to the web, a jewel that others can call on for help with their unfolding. I see Akbar standing on my right shoulder, and my other friend Za standing on my left shoulder. Before I came here I collaborated on building a web of support for my journey, the relationship of the three of us is one example of an inter-incarnational agreement which supports me.

All I know is that I want to give. I want to give and give and give! I desire with all my being to make a giant tesbeh, the 999 beaded one that stretches across the room. I want to make a sacred basket out of cedar, in which to store the tesbeh, and give it all to my teacher. I wish with all my humanness that I can manifest enough money to pay for all of my sufi friends to come on the pilgrimage to India with us. Bathed in gratitude, I look forward to becoming more capacious, for the more I can hold, the more I can give.

For a brief moment am a child, making a wish to Santa Claus: "Can you make my dad come back?" I feel naked and simple ask Pir-o Murshid.

Several times when I close my eyes, Rumi is sitting there, with his turban and long pony tail. He tells me to learn Persian, that it will transform my poetry. I recognize him now as a spirit guide who I met about three years ago. I was journeying on the inner planes and met a man in the desert who showed me how to heal with honey, blue lotus, and cocoa butter. Somehow this is the same man.

There is a particular wasifa which emulates the sound of the universe humming. I was instructed to intone it FIVE HUNDRED TIMES while meditating on my life purpose. I came here as an angelic soul to help incoming souls get situated in their physical bodies. There are waves and waves of amazingly gifted, advanced, babies coming, and they need help on the way in. I see myself running a massage and yoga practice. I do prenatal and infant massage, serving the women and comforting the babies with song and presence. My gift is that of communication with incoming souls.

"Thy invasion, Beloved, through the storm, arouses my deepest passions."
- Pir-o Murshid Hazrat Inayat Khan

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